I knew you for a long time before I noticed you. I remember seeing you smile before I really thought anything of you. I thought to myself that you had a great smile. You were the first girl that I talked to that I felt I really had a chance with. I was confident this time, and I know that you cared for me then as you care for me now.
We went to lunch a couple times together and I thought that things were going great, but I was too afraid to say anything. I had made you the biggest part of my life. I couldn’t take the risk.
But eventually the pain became so bad that I had to tell you. That night, under the stars, I was so cold but I didn’t even notice it. I told you how I felt and you told me how you felt, and I thought that I was happy even though you didn’t feel the same way. You told me you were better off alone for the time, and I was okay with that. In that moment, we were equals. We didn’t have anything petty to taint the situation, and there were no secrets between us.
Things carried on. We were still friends. We talked time and again, and you reconfirmed each time that you still felt the same. Then he came along. He asked you to prom, and I was nearly heartbroken. I completely broke down when I saw you with him. Everything, in that moment, was broken for me.
I made it through by the grace of God, and eventually you went to college and left him (and me) behind. I went through my last year of high school without thinking about you much. I thought that I had gotten past you and that I could finally move on. I was glad that you weren’t here during the hardest year of my life, because I would not have made it with you around.
Then you came back from college for summer. I was happy to see you; ready to enjoy our friendship and smile about your successes. But the more I spent time with you, the more I could feel the old feelings trickling back. Here I sit, writing about you after all of this time. The familiar feelings, the familiar pain.
I know that I am not sad because of the unrequited love. I believe that I have learned to deal with that. I am sad because I am still having these feelings, and they are still making me miserable. I don’t ever want you to go away, but having you around causes me pain.