• I’ll never

    by  • August 19, 2010 • Acceptance, Letting Go, Lost Love, Love - Pure and Simple, Self-Esteem • 2 Comments

    Dear D,

    I’ll never be that strong woman you thought I was.
    If I left you was because you were living a lie with me.
    I’ll never be beautiful, because I will never accept myself as I am.
    I’ll never live up to my family’s expectations.
    I’ll never live up to my own expectations.
    I’ll never be strong. I’ll always be weak.
    I gave up on you because you deserve to be with someone who loves herself and is able to love you back as you once loved me. Not someone like me.
    I’ll never forget you.
    I am still searching for the strength to let myself go. It will be better that way. I promise.
    I can not love myself, but I’ll never stop loving you.
    Yours only,
    M.

    Related Post

    2 Responses to I’ll never

    1. Peter C
      August 20, 2010 at 9:23 pm

      I am so sorry that you have lived a life not knowing you are filled with love. I am so sorry that you do not know it still.

      I imagine that you tried your very best as a child, as a teenager, as a young adult and now as a mature adult. So very hard, all the effort.

      I wonder if you can do something. If can can, for a moment, think of yourself as a small child still. I wonder if you can picture in your mind how you looked, how you smiled. A wonderful small child. Trusting, believing you were worthy of joy, worthy of love. Small enough that you believed that it was good enough to just be – that love and caring and being worthwhile and good enough – was not something you had to earn. Nothing to earn, nothing to achieve – you believed that just by being you you were deserving of happiness and love. Imagine how joyful that could be – that while small things might go wrong, at your very core you just knew that you were good enough – just by being. Just by existing. Nothing to have to achieve, nothing to have to prove, impossible to lose – that small child deserved it. Can you picture yourself? Can you see how you looked?

      What went wrong was not you. All children deserve parents who nurture them, who love them unconditionally, all children deserve to know they are special and wonderful and that joy is their birthright that cannot be taken away. Love is not something to be earned. There is no such thing as getting it wrong, doing it wrong – these are such very small things in the blaze of warm light and certainty of knowing you are already complete and loved and worthy of love, always. Unconditional love, always, just for being who you are.

      Sadly what went wrong is that you made a terrible, inescapable, lonely decision when you were little. You decision, I think, was that if something was wrong it could not be with your parents, it could not be that they were flawed and incomplete. When you heard that you did something wrong, that you were bad, that you had not earned love – it could not be because in truth THEY were wrong – THEY were mistaken. No – it had to be you, instead. If only you were good enough, right enough, if only you could find a way to do nothing wrong, if only you could earn enough approval – then you would be loved.

      If you can imagine this child, this little person, see her small smile fading, see her come to believe the fault is within her – a small face, now serious – can you see her? Can you feel her well of sadness, trying so hard to fix something which is not her fault – do you as a wise adult see what she cannot – can you see her pain, can you wish to protect her and love her and whisper in her ear she is perfect already and loved already and you will be there for her forever? And if you can, then imagine her on your lap, a small light child, and can you put your arms around her and make her safe and protect her as she deserves to be protected? And if you can do these things, imagine it so, make it so for her. You are strong, you are adult, and you know so many things the small child does not – you have the strength and knowledge to protect her, keep her safe – please, do it.

      Stop here a moment – it is important that you feel and experience these things. Don’t rush, there is no need to rush – you have all the time in the world. Read it thru again, do the imagining, feel the hurt and also feel how much that young child deserves protection, your protection. Take a moment, close your eyes, stop reading.




      0



      0
    2. M.
      August 21, 2010 at 2:40 pm

      This comment was posted on a letter I’ll never send. I think the person who read my post did not understand that I am just a silly twenty-something with low self esteem and suicidal thoughts. However, when I read the comment, I truly broke into tears. Thank you, Peter C.
      M.




      0



      0

    Leave a Reply