• Some free advice

    by  • August 18, 2010 • Advice, Heartbreak, Lost Love, Regret, To You • 2 Comments

    His new girlfriend,

    I am sending this to you with the good intent of saving you the heartache I am now experiencing, not to somehow cause you pain or hurt you in any way. I think under different circumstances you and I probably could have been good friends since we have much in common. Given that, please take a deep breath, and read this message with that in mind.

    I’ve known him for two and half years. I know that I know him better than any of his friends, or even his family, because we share everything. He has no secrets from me, while he does have secrets from everyone else, including you.

    Because of this knowledge and understanding of him and his habits and motivations, I can tell you with utmost confidence that the most important thing to him is his religion, followed by his family, followed by his success in life. Because of these priorities, he will never cause discord in his family by marrying someone they do not approve of. This is motivated by his religion, as well as his culture, and finally because he has seen what conflict has done to his family, and he does not want to create another situation like that.

    From his perspective it is much easier to simply have his parents set him up with a nice village girl who will have babies for him and care for his parents than to stand up to them and marry someone they disapprove of. Growing up in the West has not affected him enough to become an individualist rather than a member of his tribe.

    What all this means is that unless you are just playing around with him and don’t intend to have a long term relationship resulting in marriage, which I doubt given your age and cultural background, he is only going to break your heart. He has told me that he has informed you that you are not suitable for marriage. Believe that. Take it to heart. What you are going to get from him is a short term friend with benefits, the same thing he did with me for two years. And even if he does develop loving feelings for you, as he did with me, it is not sufficient to overcome these convictions, no matter how right you feel to him, or how much he doesn’t want to lose you.

    He will be more than happy to accept said benefits, and enjoy your ego-boosting attentions while he “explores” your personality and considers a future with you, but he will not marry you unless you magically grow a hymen, and have a religious awakening wherein you become a believer again. He may hold on to you hoping that you will change and enjoying the relationship as one would enjoy a pleasant vacation, for a very long time, as I held on to him hoping he would change. This only makes things worse for you and for him when he decides it’s time to return to reality.

    And those reasons are just the big reasons, there are other secondary reasons he will not marry you. His sister has already also told him that his parents will not like you because you are Egyptian, and they believe that Egyptian women are golddiggers. I won’t even get into the fact that you don’t like kids, and are a career woman who i doubt would be up for giving up her career in the US to go back to his country to care for his parents and wear hijab again.

    So, if you want to waste years of your life, and invest your heart and soul in a man who will reject you for someone his parents will approve of (or someone else he can play with until he does so, as he is doing to me now with you), someone who fasts and prays, and who has a hymen, go for it. But I am here to tell you, it’s not worth it. Be friends with him, by all means, but don’t fall in love, and don’t put out for him.

    I am sure you are a confident, tenacious girl, and that you think that I am just a bitter old woman, stinging from his rejection, trying to break you two up. I bet you that you think that you can change his mind, bind him to you so deeply that he will fight his upbringing to be with you, as I did. While I would be relieved if you did take my advice and end the romantic and intimate aspects of your relationship, you are wrong about your ability to change him — you have as much working against you as I did — only different. You will get compromises from him (when I first met him he wouldn’t even hold my hand, all those sexy skills he has now, the boldness of spending time alone with you that he can’t account for with his roomate, you can thank me for), as I did, but he will not change. Once he sets his mind on something, it cannot be moved.

    I am sure that you can find a nice white boy who doesn’t care about your virginity and doesn’t want you to leave the US or to pray or fast or eat halal. You are a pretty young woman that is very good about getting yourself out there and mingling and socializing, and not afraid to pursue men — things I should do more. You will be happier in the long run, and you will not have to suffer the pain of rejection, and of losing someone that you rely on and who makes you a better person for surmountable reasons that should not matter like virginity and such. Find yourself a strong man that will honor his parents, but not be owned by them, as I am now forced to do myself.

    -His old girlfriend

    2 Responses to Some free advice

    1. Kelly
      August 19, 2010 at 1:43 pm

      If THIS isn’t a case of sour grapes, then I don’t know what IS. This author thinks this guy tells her EVERYTHING? REALLY. The guys sounds like a total con man, and he’s still doing it to her.

    2. N
      March 16, 2017 at 1:11 am

      Hi. I feel it was pretty decent of you to try and warn the new girlfriend. I hope you get over your heartache and start afresh . Take care

    Leave a Reply