• I feel lost

    by  • August 18, 2010 • Grief, To You, Trust • 1 Comment

    Okay, so there’s a lot I have to say, and not enough time for me to actually say it to you, so I’m typing it up in this nice little letter that I know you’ll never read just so I can vent.

    A few days ago, you told us that if you ever offended us that we should tell you. The thing is, when you say things that offend me, I’m either so frustrated or so upset that I know when I go up to you to tell you, I’ll either come off as rude and unappreciative or whiny. I’m sure that this letter will make me come off as one or both of those things, but I feel like I can say more in a letter and I’m much more comfortable with crying in my bedroom while I write this than I am crying in front of you and the rest of the band.

    I completely understand that Mr. V started to not care, and that Mrs. Mac wanted to move on, and I’m incredibly glad that you’re here, helping us get better, but the way that you talk and laugh when a band member asks a perfectly innocent question makes me not like band as much. Before, we weren’t laughed at when we didn’t know an alternate fingering for a note, we were just taught. I don’t know about everybody else, but even though you weren’t talking to me personally, I felt bad when you did that.

    Mrs. Mac and Mr. V were more like parents to me than my parents have ever been. At the last awards ceremony, the last band con I used to think of the band hall as home, because things at my house usually suck, and being at the band hall always calmed me down. Everything was welcoming and calm and I could totally be myself. When I walk in now, I’m constantly thinking about what you’ve said to and about others, and I hold myself back and censor myself because I don’t want you to say something like that to me. I’m not afraid of criticism, but I don’t want to feel like I’ve felt when you were criticizing others.

    Whenever you say that the rest of America does something differently or that we’ve been living in a vacuum, just the way you say it makes me upset. It feels like you’re trying to make us feel bad, even though I know you aren’t. I would walk right up to you and say that you’ve hurt my feelings, but half of the time I know that I would end up screaming at you instead of simply speaking, and I don’t want to do that.

    I realize that you’re trying to make us all better musicians, but I also know that I was already doing perfectly fine before you decided to come in and tell me that what I’m doing is wrong. The band has earned several, and I personally have over ten band awards in my room at home, and I know that by the end of the year I will have at least two or three more, but the way you try and correct what I’ve already perfected scares me.

    You came into my life and totally flipped it upside down, and now I feel lost. I don’t think that I will ever feel like the band hall is home again, and that terrifies me. I don’t think that I have any place to be myself anymore, and it feels like you took that away from me.

    One Response to I feel lost

    1. Bookworm
      August 18, 2010 at 3:24 pm

      I’m so sorry that people are how they are.

      You shouldn’t have to endure that kind of mistreatment… but don’t worry… you aren’t alone. I have had a few teachers like that as well, and I do know how much it sucks, but I also know that you only are with this person for an hour or two each day. No worries hon… things with work themselves out eventually.

      Don’t cry sweet pea 🙂

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