I’m so sorry I never understood exactly what was happening. I look back now and I cry every time, even hearing the name Renee makes me breakdown. It was 7th grade and I remember calling Yettie when I found out you had cancer. That’s all I remember from that night.
I know I’m missing months out of my life. Maybe even the full year but I’m not sure if I want it back.
I miss you so much.
When I brought you food in grandma’s house. Getting Sean to laugh. Making pizza at your house. There are so many memories I have of before. I don’t remembering giving a speech at your funeral, or what anyone said. Just that dumb candle flickring, and seeing Mike cry for the first time because he had finally figured out what death is. Everyone said I was strong but even now I don’t know what that means. Does it mean I hid it well? Being back at grandmas’s house was hard. I had to sleep in your old room, and I wanted to cry every night.
I hate myself. I hate how much Mom brings you up. I hate how Dad ignores his feelings. I feel sorry for Grandpa for losing his only daughter who had the same name as the sister he lost. I feel bad for grandma for having to continue and to take care of all the grandkids. I lost myself. Not a part of me all of me when you died. I’ve had to remake myself. It was easy with drugs, and now I crave them. I can see myself falling into addiction faster than I can grab anything. I’m okay with it.
I miss you so much why did you have to make the last words so painful “my heart” that’s all I could make out from what you said. Now I wonder what death is like, I hope it was painless and easy. I wonder if there is a heaven and if you ever check up on me. I still have Charlie, he’s in a storage box somewhere in the garage. It’s hard to have him around. I found your ring yesterday – that’s what got me to thinking about you a lot more than usual. I wish I could say I think of you everyday but sadly you’re slipping away again. I will never forget you. Even if it means going through this everyday. I love you so much more than I can comprehend.