Believe me, I understand busy. I’ve been through family emergencies and crises of many kinds, but I don’t think I’ve used any of these things as an excuse. In fact, undergoing extreme amounts of stress makes me need friends even more, but apparently not for you. Am I expecting too much by wanting to talk to you so badly after you’ve been gone for five weeks? I might sound like a huge dork, but I even made a list of things that I’ve been waiting to talk to you about that is now about two pages long. It’s been almost a week since you got back, and the list keeps getting longer, but you still haven’t called me. I feel like I’ve dropped a few levels on the totem pole. To be honest I felt like I was being a little needy, clingy, and overly dramatic when we had that last conversation about this, but I can see now that I had a point.
I guess I just need some clarity. I feel like over the four years I’ve known you, there’s been a role reversal. I got into this mess in the first place because of you. YOU started talking to me, YOU wrote me that letter that I’m currently tempted to use as campfire kindling, and YOU were the one that wanted to be best friends. I’m not looking for a prom date anymore. I suppose that after a string of crummy friendships, I liked the fact that someone else actually wanted to be my friend and was willing to put in the effort to do so. I got roped into this because of all of the things YOU said. Now I feel like I’m the only one trying to make this work, and I don’t always understand why. I’m still being criticized by my mother for being in a dead-end relationship as if it’s completely my doing, and to avoid lengthy explanations most of my other friends know very little about you. Now it’s like we have a whole relationship that’s based on something that’s no longer there. Is it even worth it anymore? If you really do care less than you once did, then tell me that so that I can try my hardest to care less too. I’ll turn my phone off so that I don’t notice on the rare occasion that you do call, and I’ll also try to find a find a large group of incredibly shallow guys to hang around with all the time so that I too can be so distracted with flattery that I forget about the people that really matter to me.
The truth is that I love you. I know nearly everything about you, and I still wanted to spend the rest of my life with you. I have since that new year’s we spent together, and when you started talking about getting married someday, I really thought that might happen. Right now, though, I just feel hurt, and mad at myself for wasting so much time trying to make this work. Please understand.