You died this week and my eyes have yet to stop producing tears. I feel like this pain in my heart wont end. You were a magnificent woman, and I knew this day would come.
They gave you two months to live before the cancer would kill you. And here I am just writing this letter to you seven years later. Seven years! God I never thought we’d make it as a family for that long. I was so afraid that you’d be gone so much sooner.
I have to admit, I got selfish. I didnt want you to leave, like any daughter would. I didnt want you to die and leave me to deal with this empty space. And so you held on. You held on for seven long years. I feel like its my fault you held on, my fault you went through that part.
Even when you wanted to die, I found ways to convince you that you weren’t thinking clearly. I told you I needed you too much. And you listened. You stayed with me for seven, painful, agonizing and stressful years. And Im sorry for that mom.
I remember, looking down at you, your face pale, unable to talk to me. I just held your hand and looked at the nurse, asking her as to what I should do, what I should say. She told me that I had to tell you it was okay, that it was okay for you to die.
How can I say that?! How can I tell my mother that it was okay for her to die? I didnt think I had the strength in me to feed you such a lie. It wasnt okay for you to die because I wasnt done being selfish. But I held your hand, and cried and cried. I sat there for two hours, people walking in and out of the room checking on you.
Then you did something miraculous. You looked at me, and I saw the pain that you were going through. I saw how much you wanted me to be okay with what you wanted, what you needed. I knew what I had to do. I told you it was okay, that I’d be fine once you were gone, and I lied to you.
The look of relief in your eyes though was evident, and it was like you were before the monster took over you, and you were at peace. You inhaled very deeply…and you were gone.
I love you mom, more than guy I will ever meet, more than any person who may come into my life. I love you mom and I am fine. You are still here with me and I am still continuing on with my life. Thank you.