• Dear Mother, An Apology

    by  • August 14, 2010 • Grief, Love - Pure and Simple, Parents, Those Gone Before Us • 7 Comments

    You died this week and my eyes have yet to stop producing tears. I feel like this pain in my heart wont end. You were a magnificent woman, and I knew this day would come.

    They gave you two months to live before the cancer would kill you. And here I am just writing this letter to you seven years later. Seven years! God I never thought we’d make it as a family for that long. I was so afraid that you’d be gone so much sooner.

    I have to admit, I got selfish. I didnt want you to leave, like any daughter would. I didnt want you to die and leave me to deal with this empty space. And so you held on. You held on for seven long years. I feel like its my fault you held on, my fault you went through that part.

    Even when you wanted to die, I found ways to convince you that you weren’t thinking clearly. I told you I needed you too much. And you listened. You stayed with me for seven, painful, agonizing and stressful years. And Im sorry for that mom.

    I remember, looking down at you, your face pale, unable to talk to me. I just held your hand and looked at the nurse, asking her as to what I should do, what I should say. She told me that I had to tell you it was okay, that it was okay for you to die.

    How can I say that?! How can I tell my mother that it was okay for her to die? I didnt think I had the strength in me to feed you such a lie. It wasnt okay for you to die because I wasnt done being selfish. But I held your hand, and cried and cried. I sat there for two hours, people walking in and out of the room checking on you.

    Then you did something miraculous. You looked at me, and I saw the pain that you were going through. I saw how much you wanted me to be okay with what you wanted, what you needed. I knew what I had to do. I told you it was okay, that I’d be fine once you were gone, and I lied to you.

    The look of relief in your eyes though was evident, and it was like you were before the monster took over you, and you were at peace. You inhaled very deeply…and you were gone.

    I love you mom, more than guy I will ever meet, more than any person who may come into my life. I love you mom and I am fine. You are still here with me and I am still continuing on with my life. Thank you.

    Sincerely,
    Your daughter.

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    7 Responses to Dear Mother, An Apology

    1. A daughter
      August 16, 2010 at 4:00 pm

      Thank you for this. It must have been extremely difficult to write. You have touched me deeply with your story. Your mom was lucky to have you in her life and be so very loved. Wishing you all the best.




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    2. Also a daughter
      August 16, 2010 at 6:56 pm

      I am currently fighting with my mom (who happens to do a TON for me). Reading this has made me realize how trivial my fight is. Sometimes I
      need to get over myself. Thank you for making me realize this. Your letter was beautiful and I know your mom knows you loved and still love her so much.




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    3. Understanding
      August 22, 2010 at 3:40 pm

      Im in the same situation, and I want to say that your letter gave me something real to understand. Thank you so much for this.




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    4. hopeful
      August 22, 2010 at 5:15 pm

      I lost my own mother just over two years ago. I turned 16 less than a month after, so being this young my family thought it was best to never let me know just how bad the condition she was in. The Chemo therapy destroyed her immune system and I have always been a person who gets sick quite often, so i rarely got to see her. I didnt see my mother for six months before i last saw her on her death bed, already incoherent. Never take the memory of your mother for granted. Although my mom was not coherent she held on until my flight from New York got in and i arrived at the hospital unaware of her condition for her to look me in the eyes, tell me she loved me, and passed away. According to my family she had’nt been able to talk for days and it was a miracle she could mutter those words. A mother’s love is something no one should ever be without.




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    5. Inspired
      August 31, 2010 at 6:55 pm

      Thank you for this.




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    6. Enlightened
      August 31, 2010 at 9:14 pm

      Thank you for that. I just lost my grandmother a few months ago to cancer and the day she died my aunt told her repeatedly “You can go now mom, you can go see daddy” and I didn’t understand why. I couldn’t understand why she would tell her to go and now, I do. Thank you.




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    7. Cheryle
      September 6, 2010 at 8:49 am

      Absolutely beautiful




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