I’ve been wishing you were single since the day we met, 3 years ago. When you finally broke up with Him, I jumped on the opportunity. I know I should have waited, but God Damn, I couldn’t. I wanted us to start a life together, and you know it would have been amazing. I refuse to believe that you didn’t.
When I asked, you said Yes. The greatest word in the english language. But you wanted to take it slow. You had just gone through a bad breakup, so I was completely understanding. But you put me through hell waiting for you, and I, like a love-struck fool, toughed it out. They do say, after all, that you have to fight for the things you love. And now that we had become so close there was no doubt in my mind that I loved you. I saw our future together and I wanted it more than anything in the world. I saw my happiness within you, a place to share all this love I have that goes nowhere. An escape from this haunting loneliness and depression that has been stalking me ever since I became aware that as a single person, I am incomplete.
The day you told me that you wanted to stay friends, that you “Didn’t Think of Me That Way”, I was crushed. You know why I didn’t say anything that entire hour on the phone? Because I couldn’t speak. I was completely blown away that you, the nicest person I have ever met, could be such a cunt.
I spent most of that day wondering how the Fuck we went wrong, where I said something wrong, or didn’t do something I should have done. I was on the verge of tears, even. That would be the first time I cried since my great-grandmother died.
But I didn’t. You know why? Cause I realized you were scared, just like me. I spent the entire time we were together afraid I was gonna lose you, You spent it afraid that we would get together, it would be amazing for a while, and then something would drive us apart and you would lose me forever. I told you that would never happen more times than I can count, but that obviously didn’t convince you.
Eventually I managed to move on. I was far from over you, but I couldn’t dwell on one stupid cow, blind to the future we could have had, for the rest of my life. Of course I havent found anyone since then. Then you had the audacity, last time we hung out, to tell me that you never felt romantically inclined toward me. Bull. Fucking. Shit. The fact that you would even think to utter such words to my face, after you said yes to going out, after it was your idea to have sex, there is no way you can say that truthfully. Even if you didn’t feel nearly as much as I felt for you, you felt something. Do Not Deny It. And that bullshit about “if we’re 30 and havent found anyone then we can get married”? Go fly a kite. I may act like a fucking welcoming mat to every girl I like, but even Im not gonna let you keep me on the hook like that. I’m desperate, but I’m not nearly that desperate.
SO here we stand now. I loved you. I can’t honestly say if I still feel the same way now, because I’ve taken those feelings and stuffed them so far down, not even my subconscious knows where they are anymore. I see you dating some random douchebag you found online, and I feel envy, jealousy, even senseless hatred towards him, a person I’ve nver met. But I don’t know why. After all the shit you put me through, if you came to me asking for a relationship, hell even pity sex, I don’t think I would let you in. You want to be friends still, but I really don’t know if I should. I can’t tell who you are anymore, if you’re really the person I fell in love with, however briefly, or if you’re really a bitch, a filthy snake, wearing a smiling mask of kindness. Either way, I don’t know where my future is gonna go now, but I know it’s not gonna have you in the picture. And I say that with equal measures of sadness (for me) and disgust (for you).