• things i’ll never say

    by  • August 11, 2010 • Lost Love, Love - Pure and Simple, Regret, The Ex, To You, Yearning for You • 0 Comments

    i loved you the moment i met you, like all the pieces were falling into place. i always felt like i had been waiting for something, something bigger than myself, and when i met you i just knew instinctively that you were what i had been waiting for. i’d never believed that love existed, i thought it was just chemical, but i couldn’t breathe if you weren’t next to me i couldn’t think, i couldn’t function. i felt like an idiot, you made me feel like an idiot.

    usually i was so composed, so confident but i felt myself needing to tell you everything about myself, all my deep dark secrets so that you would know me, inside out. i was so impatient. i wanted to get all that bullshit out of the way so that we could just live and be and love. i repulsed myself and i enjoyed it. you were intelligent, complex, mysterious, hilarious, idiotic, fun loving and adventurous everything i wanted back then.

    i could have spent my entire life with you, in fact i used to dream about it lying next to you in bed staring into your eyes. i felt alive in your eyes, like for the first time someone finally saw me for me. no fronts, no masks, no walls. i was naked, real, raw, and i usually hated being vulnerable but with you i felt safe. i shared my goals with you my hopes my dreams and i really thought we were going to make it. i wanted so much to believe it was all true. i needed to believe it.

    but i couldn’t, i was scared. what if you got to know me and hated me as much as i hated myself. i loved every single one of your imperfections but what if you couldn’t stand mine? not to mention that your family couldn’t stand me while mine loved you. why wasn’t it enough that i loved you, that even though i was far from perfect i could make you laugh and smile. you told me i made you happy, you made me happy.

    so i ran, like i did from everything and you even try to stop me? i know i broke your heart but i broke mine in the process. i swore i would love you until the day i died and i still do. i know you may never forgive me for the things i said or did back then but i never meant any of it. if i could go back and change it i don’t know if i would, because if i did i don’t know if i would be the person i am today, the person you helped me to become.

    i just wish i had told you all the things i wanted to back then, i wish i had let you in more instead of pushing you away. you saved my life and gave me a reason and i will always love you for that even if you never know it.

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