Dear first love,
The other day when I told you that I can’t miss you and don’t miss you, I lied. Its probably one of the many lies I’ve told you among the biggest being, not telling you that I’ve loved you for song long. I’ve never told you but I’ve lived you since the sixth grade and I haven’t stopped.
You told me once that young love was foolish, that we weren’t old enough to know what we wanted in a person enough to fully mean the words I love you. I agreed, but I was a hypocrite to do so because I’ve loved you all along. I’ve loved you so much it hurt and surprised me. I loved you with a love that was so deep and unconditional, I grew ashamed of it. I wanted to bury it, smother it, kill it but no matter how hard I tried it shone out. But you never saw it and killed me each day to know you would never know.
It was easy to lie to myself in the beginning, that I would get over you. You’d be like any other regular crush. It was so easy to lie, pretending that I wasn’t falling more and more in love with you each day. It was so automatic loving you like I didn’t even have to try.
After a while, I found myself becoming a masochist. While loving you hurt – a lot- I found it just nice to be around you, listening to you talk, hearing your ideas and views on the world. I was willing to walk in your shadow, and relish in the fact that I was close to you.
Over the years we got closer, and I begun to love the fact that you wanted me to be around and you called when you needed me. I was finally being put in that spot that I always wanted to be in. God, I loved it so much. I was just thinking the whole time, ‘You saved the best for last’. And I felt so reassured when you’d pull me in close to you, hold me for a while, and kiss me on the forehead. It felt so right and so normal, it just made me so fucking happy I really could have died right then. But it was so late, and before we knew it we were both graduating.
On the day of graduation you wrote me a letter and you said you only wanted to look forward and not remember the past. In the end you said you prayed to God that I would find the man I always wanted because I deserved a good one. That was really the straw that broke the camel’s back. It just felt as if all my love has been wasted. And that’s really killing me. So my first love, I think it’s time to say goodbye.
Me loving you has been good for me I think though. Its taught me to be patient, and optimistic even when the outcome isn’t good. It’s better to have loved and lost than never loved at all, right? I wish you all the happiness in the world and then some. Because you really deserve it. And above all, I’m really sorry and I’ll always be sorry for never telling you.
I’ll never forget you, I love you