• Oh I Wish

    by  • August 11, 2010 • Forgiveness, Friends, Frustration, Grief, Lost Love, Love - Pure and Simple, To You, Yearning for You • 0 Comments

    Hi,

    You are the one, you were the one, and I honestly don’t know when or if you will ever not be “it”. You were the first person I’ve ever loved, and though our relationship had quite a few rough circumstances, I would never wish it to be different.

    Objectively, most people would never call what we had a relationship because it was secret, because we weren’t constantly together. As a matter of fact, we were apart, a thousand miles apart, for almost the whole time we were together. It’s funny to think that I saw you only a handful of times over those six months.

    But we knew better than to identify what we had to the rest of the world because we were happy. That’s all that mattered was that each of us was happy with ourself and with the other person. When we were together, it was like we had been together forever, like we didn’t live so far apart and that our friends and ex-girlfriends or ex-boyfriends didn’t matter. I can’t believe that we made ourselves so blind with love that we pushed the truth out until we could do nothing but break up.

    Of course we both knew that we would never last. Of course we wanted to last, but we knew, and for me it was very deep down, that we would not work out. Not in this place in our lives, not in this town or in this time. It’s funny, we could be called “star-crossed lovers” as cheesy as that is. Your ex used to be one of my best friends…and now we don’t talk because of the wedge I’ve pushed between me and her. I don’t even care that dating you and loving you would hurt her. I came to terms with that and accepted it. I waited and hoped for the day when I had to sit down and tell her what was going on in my life, but it still hasn’t come. And it might never come.

    My ex is still your best friend, and a friend of mine. We kept such a huge secret from them for so long. All I wanted was to be truthful with all of our friends, and be together. I always thought you’d eventually come around and see it my way. The problem is, you never did. What I wish, more than anything, is that I was worth pain, that I was worth how much we would have to go through for us to really, honestly be together. Surprisingly, long distance was easy for me. The short time of the year when we live close together was the hardest part.

    It’s kind of sad, how much faith I had in you. I trusted you with everything I had. I trusted that you would take responsibility for your choices, and take responsibility for being with me, but instead of doing that you ran away. You have a busier life than most people I know, and that was a factor in why we never saw each other, and eventually why we broke up, but I feel like there was a part of you that just didn’t want to deal with the secrets anymore, and because of that you took the easy way out, the way that would hurt me the most.

    I really thought that come the fall, I’d be visiting you at school and we’d be back to normal, even though this summer didn’t go as planned. I thought that we had an amazing future together. We were good at being together, good at every aspect of it. We could have done so much, and gone to those places we talked about like California and Disney World. We could have had a future if you hadn’t broken my trust.

    I’ve never been the person to live in “what if’s” but I can’t seem to get out of that state of mind now. You gave me too much hope for the future. You told me, when we had that final talk, that we could work out next summer or next semester or in the future, and those stupid words you said gave me hope that I can’t help but cling to now. It’s pathetic.

    But no matter how pathetic this is, that I’m writing you a letter you’ll never see, i still can’t stop loving you or thinking you are an amazing person or wanting you. I have really good days where I live in the moment, but then I have terrible days when all I can think about is how much your decision has hurt me. I wish I could trust you again and that we could be together still. I’m not ready to let you go. Part of me wants you to see this, so maybe we can talk again. The other part of me is embarrassed I wrote this.

    I wish I could take some of the advice that I hand out to all those around me. I wish I listened to reason, so that I wouldn’t be sitting here crying, wishing more than anything that you would talk to me again.

    I still love you.

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