• I just wanted you to know;

    by  • August 11, 2010 • Abuse, Forgiveness, Grief, Karma, Letting Go, Lost Love, To You • 0 Comments

    You stole my childhood from me, then left me in the dirt for new girlfriends. You were my first… everything. We haven’t talked in nearly a year, but I still think about you. Every day. No, I don’t want to get back together with you. I just wanted you to know, when I told you a year ago that I forgave you, and that I have no hard feelings– I lied. I guess I can forgive you, because I became who I am today because of all that you and your family put me through. But since it seems that you only asked to get your things back and to make sure everyone loves you and to get rid of your guilt, I think I’ll tell the truth. I have many hard feelings. I have nightmares at least a couple times a month– a decrease from a year ago. Everywhere I go, I half-expect to see you there– and I hope I don’t, because I’m afraid you’ll try to hurt me. You also asked if my boyfriend, your old friend, hated you. I said he doesn’t; I lied about that, too. Your old best friend that is now my best friend hates you, too. Your current good friend, who I used to be friends with, he knows everything. Which is why he is not my friend anymore. I guess he thinks I’m lying. Or he doesn’t care. Either way, that hurts. Hell, he was the one harassing you in your truthbox like a year ago. Which is why I don’t understand why he hangs out with you still. Not that I wanted to break you two up, I wasn’t the one who told him. Even still, it bothers me how well off you still are. You seem so happy with your new friends and new life. Do they even know about your past? I bet they don’t. I bet you lie about everything to make yourself look saint-like.

    What bothers me most, though, is that you ruined intimacy for me. I can’t have healthy relationships, because I think everyone around me is as sociopathic and manipulative as you are. I have so much trouble being intimate with anyone; I feel nothing when I am with the love of my life, because intimacy was introduced to me in a loveless, abusive, forced way. Call me crazy, but I blame you for that.

    It drives me insane that nobody knows about the real you. And that you seem to show no guilt.

    Are you ashamed? At all?

    Part of me really hopes that karma catches up with you. I want you to feel the hurt that you put me through, and go through the horrors I still go through. If I have ever hated anyone, it would be you.

    If I ever see you in person, I’ll tell you all this. I won’t send this letter, because I feel pathetic for holding a grudge so long. But I can’t help it. You kept me around for a year, cheating on me as soon as you took my innocence away. Then,right after you dumped me, I was in so much pain. You’d knocked my self-esteem down so low that I would’ve done anything to get you back.

    And then… you treat me like a princess after school one day. I remember the date: April 18th, 2008. You told me you wanted to take me to this beautiful place that you explored with some friends earlier in the week. I later found out that you’d made out with one of these friends when you first went there. But, at the time, I thought you were taking me there to ask me to be your girlfriend again. I was so excited.

    We got there, it was a beautiful place…a field with a stream running through it, surrounded by forest. You kissed me, and my heart flew. Then, you tried taking my shirt off, and I refused. That’s when the beatings started. I was hesitant to fight back, because I was sure I loved you at the time. I was sobbing, begging you to stop. You apologized after, you cried too. I forgave you at the time, because you seemed genuinely sorry. But you weren’t.

    I remember everything. I was wearing that green shirt with the apple on it, my pink and orange bra, my orangeish underwear, my favorite pair of jeans, those athletic socks that I thought were so awesome cos they had little holes in them to keep em cool, and my roxy shoes with the hearts on them. And the necklace you “bought” me. You demanded it back that day and ridiculed me for wearing it, and thank god I didn’t give it back, since I found out my mom picked it out, bought it, and just gave it to you to give it to me. What nerve you had. I remember trying to kill myself that day. With the razor out of your wallet, because you’re the one who introduced me to cutting, too.

    Thanks for that. At least you ripped it out of my hands before I could get too far. How kind of you. I’m sure you just didn’t want my blood on your hands. The scars have finally faded, two years later. I still remember what they looked like, though.

    Of course, this isn’t the only time stuff like this happened. This was just the last, the worst, and the most deliberate time. Don’t think I don’t remember your hands around my neck. You threatening to break my arm if I struggled further. You did this shit all the time.

    Don’t feel too bad though. I wouldn’t take any of that back. Because of all that you did to me, I am such a strong and wise individual. I have helped many others when it comes to relationships, because you put me through it all. Not to mention, I wouldn’t have the best friend and the boyfriend that I have now if it wasn’t for you. So thanks for that, really.

    You really are a sad individual, you know that? So hollow, emotionless, loveless, hateful, passionless. I could go on. For your sake, and your family’s, and that naive girlfriend of yours, I hope that you’ve changed. No one deserves to be that miserable, and even I can’t wholeheartedly wish such sadness on you.

    I guess I just wanted you to know, in so many words, that I still remember. And still hurt. And the effects of your damage linger still, two years after you left. Especially since you probably go around thinking everything’s fine. And they’re not. And they won’t be, at least for me, for a very long time.

    I apologize if this note rambles; I just want to make sure I get everything out that I had to.

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