Dear My “So-called best friend”,
Is it me or have you changed for the worst?
All I see you doing now is having sex with all these guys. Cheating on your old boyfriend then leaving him like a sack of potatoes for another guy. I know he treated you like shit, but don’t you have any compassion? Sometimes when I see him I just want to scream it at the top of my lungs, but I know I can’t. I know we’re not speaking and it’s killing me inside. You won’t answer my calls or texts and when I finally get up the guts to finally go and see you face to face. All of your friends look at me like I’m a diseased person with AIDs walking up.
I gave you the letter that I spilled every inch of my heart into. That I cried over and that I could hardly write, because my hand shook so much. I gave it to you as you sat on your new boyfriend’s lap the bonfire blazing in front of you. I walked into the lion’s den to give you that letter and for what? To find out the next day that you fucking burned it! You burned my heart and my respect for you with it. I’m going through all these phases.
First, I’m sad and all I want to do is cut. Yes, I started cutting something that I told you I would never do. It’s all your fault you make me feel horrible inside like I’m the worst human being on the planet and the only relief I get is when I drag that jagged blade across my skin. Just to see some blood that way I know I’m alive, living in this hell hole once again. I can’t sleep, because I think about what I did wrong and how many fucking times I tried to apologize, but you just ignored me.
That night you went to Sheetz, probably to get condoms or something I saw you. I hoped that you didn’t see me, but maybe you did. My heart broke I didn’t want to see you and I didn’t want to talk to you at all, so I’m glad you didn’t come over. Now you want to talk, I’ve given you enough time, but what if I’m not ready to talk? What if I’m so angry right now that I would just slug you in the face? God, I feel like it sometimes.
I’ve never hurt this much over you, it’s like you’re taking a knife and twisting in my heart so I can’t breath, but all I feel is pain. And then I think about that letter burning into black ashes. It’s like you’re torching all the years we had and simply letting them blow in the wind.
God, I fucking hate this feeling it’s like I’m in a crowded room screaming my head off and nobody even looks up. I’m helpless and vulnerable and I don’t know what to say or act. I want to scream at you, but I know it won’t do any good. I want to tell you that you’re full of shit, but that won’t help. I want to tell you that you’re a beautiful person even if you don’t think you are and I fucking hate it when you have low self-esteem. Did I do that to you? Or was it all the hurt that you went through?
I want you to understand how bad I’m feeling and how I can’t go a minute without thinking about how I hurt you, but you fucking hurt me too. You can’t simply throw away a friendship like that, but deep down I feel like I could live without you. I could move on and find somebody better, because I think I see your true colors now. Maybe it’s your new boyfriend who is influencing you not to talk to me. I don’t give a shit about him or his shitty opinion. He just wants you for sex, like every other boyfriend you’ve had. But you deserve better than that, you’re not just some sex toy for them to push around. I want to slap you sometimes when all you talk about is how big his penis is or how good the sex in. I want to cover my ears and go back to 8th grade when we didn’t even know what sex was and we still thought boys were gross.
You’re growing up too fast, and you’re leaving me behind, you’re leaving me behind with the ashes of our friendship.