Archive for August 11th, 2010

I’m sorry I’m the sorry one.

Dear J,

I am sorry that I was crazy. I am sorry that I can’t stop being crazy and I’m sorry that I can’t stop being sorry. I loved you. I didn’t mean to. I didn’t want to. That day in the parking lot when you told me you thought you loved me, I was so surprised I didn’t know what to do so I just kissed you. I figured it was probably better to do than just saying “oh,” or “thanks.” That’s what made me love you. Your vulnerability on that day. You were everything I wanted in a man and you showed me your heart and I couldn’t not love you. I knew I shouldn’t have loved you. I knew that we would only end up hurt. But love is blind and even as we talked that last night before you left I believed every word you said. I believed you would buy me a ring. But you left the next morning without a goodbye. Such is our tragic love story. Tragic for me at least. You hurt me. When I was traveling I would wait until my roommate would fall asleep and then I’d cry until I did. You broke me.

I won’t blame you for the way I am now, or the way I have been since because it’s my own crazy and my own fears keeping me back. But because of the ordeal that was “us” I couldn’t let myself commit to David. I could have loved David, eventually. He and I were so good together. He was good for me. But my own reluctance to truly commit and his mirrored actions doomed us from the start.

I pretended to accidentally text you the other day because I need to let go of the pain you caused me to be able to move on and truly move on. Part of me just wanted to make sure you still had the same number. I am kicking myself for saying nothing but sorry. I know you have moved on with your life and I’m sure you can assume that I have. I wish we could just be friends. I wish if I saw you on the street I could say, “hi, how are you?” If I saw you on the street today I would probably hide.

I’m glad you’re happy. I hope I’ll get there eventually. I am happy, but you’re not lonely like me.

I’m sorry,
C.

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It’s 2:40am and you’re all I can think about

Dear david

So here I am, wide wake. I tried sleeping but my mind is racing, and of course they are thoughts of you. Never before in my life have I dated someone younger than I. So when I started to realize I may be in love with you I was freaked out beyond belief. I can’t stand guys my own age how the hell am I gonna deal with someone younger. I was like ‘nope I can’t do it,’ so I told myself I didn’t like you knowing that you don’t wanna be in a relationship, what I wanna know is why not. I finally got over my first love -well for the most part. You are the only person in a while that has been able to make me feel like this again. For so long I tried to find someone that made me happy, like, really truly happy. And I couldn’t find one person until we started hangin out more. At first I didn’t even realize I was attracted to you, then a month or so later I looked at you and knew. To me, your perfect. I can just go crazy with you, not as in crazy partyin -which i’m sure we’ll do- but I can just let go. With everyone else I have this huge wall up so no one can hurt me. But you, you are amazing. This is all so fast for me because I haven’t known you for more than 3 months so I don’t know how or why I like you so much, so much to the point of fallin in love with you. I hope you decide to be with me, I won’t wait forever.

I love you

love, A

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Saying good bye

Dear first love,

The other day when I told you that I can’t miss you and don’t miss you, I lied. Its probably one of the many lies I’ve told you among the biggest being, not telling you that I’ve loved you for song long. I’ve never told you but I’ve lived you since the sixth grade and I haven’t stopped.

You told me once that young love was foolish, that we weren’t old enough to know what we wanted in a person enough to fully mean the words I love you. I agreed, but I was a hypocrite to do so because I’ve loved you all along. I’ve loved you so much it hurt and surprised me. I loved you with a love that was so deep and unconditional, I grew ashamed of it. I wanted to bury it, smother it, kill it but no matter how hard I tried it shone out. But you never saw it and killed me each day to know you would never know.

It was easy to lie to myself in the beginning, that I would get over you. You’d be like any other regular crush. It was so easy to lie, pretending that I wasn’t falling more and more in love with you each day. It was so automatic loving you like I didn’t even have to try.

After a while, I found myself becoming a masochist. While loving you hurt – a lot- I found it just nice to be around you, listening to you talk, hearing your ideas and views on the world. I was willing to walk in your shadow, and relish in the fact that I was close to you.

Over the years we got closer, and I begun to love the fact that you wanted me to be around and you called when you needed me. I was finally being put in that spot that I always wanted to be in. God, I loved it so much. I was just thinking the whole time, ‘You saved the best for last’. And I felt so reassured when you’d pull me in close to you, hold me for a while, and kiss me on the forehead. It felt so right and so normal, it just made me so fucking happy I really could have died right then. But it was so late, and before we knew it we were both graduating.

On the day of graduation you wrote me a letter and you said you only wanted to look forward and not remember the past. In the end you said you prayed to God that I would find the man I always wanted because I deserved a good one. That was really the straw that broke the camel’s back. It just felt as if all my love has been wasted. And that’s really killing me. So my first love, I think it’s time to say goodbye.

Me loving you has been good for me I think though. Its taught me to be patient, and optimistic even when the outcome isn’t good. It’s better to have loved and lost than never loved at all, right? I wish you all the happiness in the world and then some. Because you really deserve it. And above all, I’m really sorry and I’ll always be sorry for never telling you.

I’ll never forget you, I love you

B.

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disapproval

mom:

i am dating a cigarette smoking, pakistani man. thought you should know so you stop thinking i am a lesbian…

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1 comment. Click here to comment. | Posted in: Family Stuff, Parents, Short -n- Sweet

 

breaking up

David,

I know you have alot on your mind right now. Your best friend is leaving for a year to go across seas to fight for our country. Your not happy with where you are, and what you are doing for work right now. You want to go back to school but you don’t know for what.

I can’t say I fully understand what you are going through. Those words I couldn’t say to you, all I could do was cry with you and hold you in my arms and try to reassure you. In the end, I can’t say that your best friend will be ok, I can only hope just like you. I can’t say that you will go to school and be awesome at whatever you try, we all have our faults.

I want to help you, because I love you. I don’t want to see you sad, because it makes me sad. I’ll do anything i can to make that happen…

That was what i truly believed in right after we walked away from eachother after the four hours of talking. But, i can’t say that anymore.

While we talked, you said about how you didn’t think you could say I love you being completely honest. Why say it at all then? I rather have you say something like, I’ll talk to you later babe, then lie to my face. You not only lied, you really hurt me. You know how much I adored you, but did you know how much shit I put up with?

Your car, what the heck? You tell me your unhappy with your life and your decisions and unhappy with your money situation. Yet there you are going to work on your car. ..before you move out of your parents house, and before you get a new job. OR go back to school. I’m sorry that just is not right hun.

You also add on that you think it is our age difference. Three years, wow big deal. What is important is the maturity of the two individuals in a relationship. In that department, I think I outrank you. If you even try to defend yourself, don’t. I’m the one trying to be the civil one and talk to you, but NO. You just ignore me like i never existed, never; and that hurts alot!

I need to know that in the back of your mind you still care, you think of me when you do something that we used to do together. I need to know i wasn’t the only one still crying after we said good night to eachother. I need to know that in that moment, when we both were crying in eachother’s arms that you felt that connection too. And that even now, that the promise we made to eachother is still true, because after you find you, I want you to find me.

I’m upset, confused, angry, but mostly heartbroken. No matter how shattered I am, I want you to know I still look at your house everytime i drive by, I always look at the poem you wrote me on the canvas before i go to bed, I always hold my breath when I see a red car hoping it will be you driving, when I put my hair up nicely i still wait for you to mess it up playfully, when i sit outside at night i half expect you to be sitting next to me, but most of all i want you to know that I am always hear for you, to hold you while you need to cry. No matter how upset you are, or will be, I’ll be that shoulder you can lean on, and sob on.

I just wish you can see that I am here, you can stop holding it all in. Please, just…don’t forget our promise babe..

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Forever

I miss you. You’re my first love forever and always. And that’s why I’ll never get over you. You’ll always be a part of my memories. I love you Kyle.

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letting go

chris,

i cannot express in words how hard it was to finally let you go. i cared for you, still do TO THIS DAY, and do not EVER want to say goodbye to you. at one time in my life, and it seems forever ago, i loved you. you loved me, and i know that. for some reason, we got off track. a lot of it had to do with your mom. i could never be with you unless she were 6 feet underground. you made a perfect companion, you were smart, witty, hilarious, great to chill with, and actually very caring. in time you became colder and colder once you saw inside of me, the dark side of my past. i do not hold that against you.

what the purpose of this letter is for…well…my OWN personal ‘need’ of letting go. i’ve just gotten married to a fantastic man, he is everything you were, and more. the more part being that when he saw the dark side of my past (the sexual, emotional, and physical abuse, the mental health issues as a result of those), he NEVER once shied away. if anything, it brought us closer. you kept calling me ‘the one that got away’. and you know, for you, my firend, i might be. but there is hope for you, for you have the WORLD to give to a wonderful woman out there, and i wish you all the best in finding her. i hope you choose based on the same criteria you used on me, shot for the moon, and got it. you deserve it, even if you do not believe it. i will always be well taken care of. family holidays, bereavement, support in anything, spiritually, i am set. i know this in my heart, and without you along the way i would have never gotten here.

i pray to god that you are able to find the happiness i know you deserve and the kind that i am blessed with. but please, former lover of mine, please let me go. it hurts my heart to know you dwell on the past and it hurts to know i hurt you so badly by corrupting your innocence with my tales of the dark side your mother tried so hard to protect you from. it just goes to show you we came from two totally different backgrounds. in the end, we’ll all end up in heaven, and you know what? i will ALWAYS be your friend, here and in the afterlife. i have so much respect for you, and hope. it is time to let go, and set your heart free, as i had to do…..

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Things I’ll Never Stop Doing

I’ll never stop thinking about the hundreds of hours now that I’ve spent with you that I credit as some of the best of my life.

I’ll never stop wishing that you would change your mind about us, and give it a chance, because I think we’d be perfect and brilliant and everything else.

I’ll never stop remembering the silly word games we play with each other that tell me more about you than anything else could ever express, and vice versa.

I’ll never stop loving the times when we look at each other across a classroom and know exactly what the other is thinking, and crack up a little bit because of that.

I’ll never stop trying to redefine myself, to find what elusive core of me is driving everything and would do anything to make you proud.

Even if it involves taking a dance class, reading books and watching movies I’d never otherwise watch, or memorizing the words to a musical I would never have heard of.

I will never stop remembering that I’m not the first guy to feel this way, and I won’t be the last, but I would definitely like to be among the group of them that end up with what they want.

Page 150.

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You and Me…?

So, i like you.

I really like you, but you’re going out with one of my good friends. you recently started talking to me, because before, we had a thing, when you had first started going out with her. You just told me that you liked me, before, not as a crush, like you actually liked me. and I miss that. I liked you too, but I didn’t tell you.. I miss you, i miss hanging out with you, you are seriously, like the funniest person I know, and I miss being able to talk to you, just because I’m bored. I need a reason now, because if she finds out I’m talking to you, she’ll freak out. Just like every other time. You, and her are going through troubles, and you don’t love her anymore.

At first, I heard this, and got excited, then you said you liked someone else.

Someone who I don’t know. I really like you. I’ve liked you since I met you, you’re funny, adorable, so romantic, and probably the nicest person I know.

I miss you, and I desperately want to be with you… even if we’re just hanging out you’re perfect for me, why cant you see it? ):

- A

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Forever I’ll miss you..

T-

I guess I asked for it, I should have known better than to rifle through your things. Even in the moment that I was doing it, I knew I was going to find something that I didn’t want to see. I asked myself a million times why I continued to do it even when I knew the outcome was going to be heartbreak. I guess it just seemed like something that I was going to find eventually so I mine as well get it over with. But the truth is, that day ruined my life. And for the first time ever, I wish my curiosity hadn’t gotten the best of me. I miss you more than any words could ever express. It was so much more comfortable waking up in the morning in your arms. No other arms have ever held me as good, being next to you was the best way to end every night and start the day. Not to mention how much I took for granted being able to see you smile everyday. I wish I wouldn’t have been such a coward and told you how much I loved you, how much I still love you and how much I’ll always love you. It’s true when they say you don’t know what you have until it’s gone.. even though I still have the suspicion you cheated on me. Even though you’ll deny it forever. I wish more than anything that I could fix the wrong I caused.. and be able to accept the truths that you try and tell me. I’m sorry I’m so stubborn and that my stubbornness ruined the chance we had to fix our partnership. I’ll remember that for the rest of my life. I miss you more than you’ll ever know. I still dream that one day you’re going to call me, so we can talk about this and make it right. But you never do, and I’m sure you won’t. I love you, T, please come back to me…

Love Forever,
Your Ninja

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