• holding my breath

    by  • August 10, 2010 • Loneliness, Lost Love, To You • 2 Comments

    dearest nick,

    since i met you, i knew you were going to change my life. but i didn’t know you would be the person who would show me what love is. i was amazed by you. i loved you, and i love you for that. i thought the kind of happiness i had with you was something i would never have because of the kind of person i am, the kind that people don’t love. especially someone as beautiful as you. i was happy. but like all great and amazing things in the world. it had to end. i lost you, and i dont blame you, it wasn’t anyone’s fault. but if there was someone to blame i’ll blame myself. my own stubbornness got the best of me. i didn’t want to bend to anyone’s will but my own, not even for you. the person whom i loved dearly.

    i lost you.

    it was devastating, and if only you knew how shattered i was by all of it. i turned into myself, i was lost for so long. i was in a dark place. i felt that there was never going to be another chance to feel as i felt for you. every relationship i had after you just seemed mediocre in comparison. when one relationship failed, i always looked back to the memory to you. you set the bar so high.

    you know, i could never be mad at you. even now, you have never failed to be a good person, a good young man, a good friend. i still love you for that. time passed and my shadows subsided. i still was broken but i had become callused. i wasn’t so sweet or delicate as i once was. i wasnt able to free fall into love like i did with you. i just couldnt. and then something pivotal happened.

    i got a phone call that made my hardened heart drop. you were finally coming home. i was a flurry of mixed emotions. i was scared. was i able to handle you being within arms reach of the one known as the love of my life? i remember shaking after getting off the phone with you. and there you were, back from being away for 5 of the longest years i’ve ever known. i saw you in front of me and you were real. you were something i could have again but didnt dare pursue.

    even though i had had you, you were such an untouchable. i just wanted to be around you though. i knew you were wounded and i needed to let you mend. i did my best as a supportive friend. i once again put you before me.

    and now…i dont know what to do, you’re about to leave again and i feel as if i’m going to lose my breath for the second time. should i let you pass without a sense of all this hurricane of emotion encapsulated in my soul since the moment i met you? or should i throw it all on the table, and expose myself to you? i’m stuck between a rock and a hard place.

    i love you, and i never stopped.

    2 Responses to holding my breath

    1. tess
      August 24, 2010 at 2:40 am

      tell him you love him. tell him how much he means to you! please! dont walk away. you will be curious forever.
      i lost my nick, and if he ever came back into my life i wouldnt let him slip away.

    2. Dennis
      April 19, 2011 at 11:11 pm

      I say tell him.

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