Too many nights we spent talking. Talking about anything from work to movies to just life. Those conversations kept me sane when I did not want to deal with the rest of the people around me. You were just too far away and soon you were going to be further away. I couldn’t stand it.
We missed each other every time you were on leave, the ARMY kept us from seeing each other. But I was always so proud of you and still am.
Talking to you became something I longed for, something I needed. Talking was something I got until you asked her to marry you. You weren’t even together before you got engaged and you didn’t have the decency to tell me in person. It killed me, day by day, people knew something was wrong but I told them I was stressed. Then you started talking to me again and when I told you it wasn’t fair to her, it wasn’t fair to ME you got mad. You said to have a nice life. That killed me again.
The wedding day was the worst. Most of it is a blur, until the hug. The hug was not a “thanks for coming” hug or an awkward friend hug. That was an “I don’t want to let you go hug.” I didn’t make it through the rest of the line, I got to the car and started crying. I cried for hours that turned into days, and those days turned into weeks.
You moved to another country with your wife. I got to see that she said her hubby was in a bad mood, or she was not happy where she was at. She just wanted to come home. And then there it was, staring me in the face. SHE WAS PREGNANT. My life went to pieces again. But she still wasn’t happy.
Three months since I’d spoken to you and yet when I saw your name on my phone that morning my heart did that little flutter thing it always did. She told you she wanted a divorce, you didn’t know what to do. Despite everything that had happened I was strangely relieved that it did not work out. She took you away from me. Not even in the sense of a relationship, but she took my best friend. The one who would talk to me until I fell asleep even though I made no sense. The one who listened to me ramble on about how excited I was for my nephew to be born. I MISSED YOU.
When I got my chance to have you, for real, all of you I got scared. Everything was moving so fast and I didn’t know what to do. Even now I still don’t know. I STILL MISS YOU.
What I do know is this: when I look at the clock, I add seven hours to see what time it is for you, when I turn my computer on I look to see if you are online. When you are online, I wait to see if you will talk to me first. When I get to talk to you I don’t want to stop and when we stop I always wonder if you are thinking about me still. You will be home in about 10 days, I want to see you so bad it feels like a 20 pound weight is laying on my chest. You don’t know this but I truly need you in my life some way, somehow. I feel safe when I talk to you but I feel even safer when you are hugging me. I just want your arms around me even if it is to say goodbye.
I don’t know if I love you but I sure as hell need you. always.