Closure, the word itself seeks definition. When is it over over… I have been trying to define what closure means between us.
Is it when we say something in anger and never talk again? Is it when we ignore the past and move forward? Or is it when things simply fade away?
Closure for me, has been a dynamic. I can look back and remember all things said. All things unsaid. The memories really paint a pretty wide rainbow of emotions, ideas and feelings.
But really, I think I have arrived.
I am finally at peace. I have searched and searched for reasons. While all are debatable those that are not are my own actions.
I realize now through much personal deliberation and many painfully slow changing ideas where I stand in all of this. Put simply, what I did wrong.
I think back and see all the clear signs how I slowly pushed you away. I didn’t take pleasure in the little details, chances to express my love. Simple things, like bringing you flowers, greeting you with a smile when you got home from business trip, going out with you to all the places I didn’t care to go, not because I wanted to, but because YOU wanted to. So many things I can remember doing wrong, so many little things….so funny that there isn’t anything bigger in the end.
It is clear to me reflecting on all the things you bought me, some only nick-knacks really, but an ever present reminder of the love you showed me. Each cute little stuffed animal reminding me of the way you would smile, each piece of paper I find with the words “I love arf” written everywhere a blank spot was…..so many places it seems like everywhere I look a piece of you is there.
I can see how I didn’t express the love I hold for you. While I never spoke hollow words when telling you I Love you. I failed miserably at demonstrating the way I felt through day to day action. So, through the years we went, my selfish lifestyle and attitude slowly widdled away at your patience and love. Alas, and the way I tried to control you….seemingly so inconsiderately and overbearing… I didn’t know how to let go and let you be you. I was wrong. The only right thing to do when you love something is to set it free. Yet another area I failed you.
I have to say reflecting on all of this has given me a profound amount
of respect for how you held on. Against everything I didn’t do, all my failures as a boyfriend, you stood by me, patiently waiting for me to wake up. In the end it took losing you and almost a year of reflection for me to see how special you really are.
I’d say thank you a million times if it conveyed any of what I really mean to say. As it stands the words thank you don’t come close to describing the way I feel. ‘Happy’ and ‘Appreciative’ seem to belittle the way I feel about having been a part of your life.
I am so very proud you made the right choice. You have helped me grow in ways that are inexplicable by words. I entered the relationship a boy, and left a boy, now I feel as if I am finally on my way to being a man. I have hope, I have confidence, and I have learned a great deal about how to treat a REAL woman.
It is humbling that I was given the chance to be with someone like you. I can see clearly now how far I had to come, how far I still have to go, and have a much better idea of who I am.
I don’t intend to send this letter, but thought it might be a good healing exercise to write it.
My hope is that you are at peace and with it, new life, love and happiness.
Before I say goodbye I would like to say:
I love you.
May you live to love and love to live.