How do I begin? That’s the question.
How do I touch the anger and the frustration I feel when thinking of our life together?
I am a good and honest person and I was forthright with you. I was open about my wants and my needs, my desires and my dreams…and I feel like everything you returned was a lie. I don’t understand what type of person would choose to live their life like this. I opened my heart to you. I offered you everything I had. I was your rock and held you in my arms when you wept from your children. I was your caregiver and made you go to the hospital when you were sick or suffering from an infection. I was the one you made call your ex-wife when you needed something from her. I made the plans for our vacations. I made the plans for our children. I took your children into our home and loved them. And you held a promise over my head that you loved me and would do anything for me.
Where did that get me? Your words were like salve to my heart…but I guess they were more of a placebo because in the end they did nothing. You pushed me to a point of utter panic and anxiety and then worked your magic to soothe me. Promises. All of those promises that were void of any meaning. And why, why say things that you don’t mean? If you truly believed you love or loved me, why would you treat me like that? That’s not how love works. You were so worried that people might think you less than brilliant but didn’t worry that people might think you were a user and a liar. Where is the morality in that? Where is the heart? How can you expect and demand that your life be treated with respect when you give NONE to the people that love you. The people that would have given anything for you. Me. I would have given anything for you. And you threw it all away because YOUR needs were so much more important. Your whims and your whiles.
If something was needed from me you were gone. Out there doing whatever it was you were doing. Helping me? Fuck no. I’m the supposed love of your life. I’m the woman that you’ve only felt yourself around. I’m the woman you wanted to grow old. And I’m the only woman who didn’t matter. Fuck you. Fuck you for being such an abusive user. You use everyone around you for whatever you need. But their friendships end up being exactly as you treat them. Disposable.
I CAN’T STAND THAT I STILL LOVE YOU. I CAN’T STAND THAT I WANT TO SEE YOU AND SMELL YOU AND HOLD YOU. YOU COMPLETELY FUCKED ME OVER AND USED ME AND DIDN’T TREAT ME THE WAY I SHOULD HAVE BEEN TREATED. I can’t stand that you take so much space in my head and don’t pay rent. Not that you ever paid much rent. I had to buy everything because you blew everything you had. And you gave me such shit about the way I treated my children…when I watched you be distant dad right in front of them. How dare you. You’re a real fuckwad. Your happiness was always more important. And I guess I’m not as angry as I should be…because if I saw you treat my sister or my daughters like that I would PAY them to leave your sorry ass. And now I’m just a “keeper” of your stuff while you fuck some other girl. Well, fuck you. I’m not confident enough to see you right now…and it’s better for me to be as far away from you as possible…because it is true. You are like my drug. A nasty drug that rips me from the people I love. I love them more than I love you. So good riddance. Good bye. Fuck that, too. Bad bye.