I am in complete awe, as to how much I love you… Just…amazed… I have never, and I am being completely honest here, never, been so “love sick” before…
I mean, yes I have been in love, and have had my heart broken. We spent a good amount of time together those 2 weeks, and I can say that it was amazing. Purely…I have never been kissed like that. Like, you’re afraid to break me, like I am made of gold, or that I am so unreal to you that you have to kiss harder, deeper…
Nor have I been touched like that…You were so gentle, and even though I hate to feminize the gesture, maternal. You stroked my cheeks, my jaw bone, the skin beside my eyes, my neck…like I was this illusion or something, like this wasn’t happening and you were trying to savor it all.
And when we would go to sleep at night, or you would take a nap, you wrapped all of yourself around me, as if to say that “you’re not going anywhere, you’re mine” and if you were startled awake, or waking up on your own, the split second you opened your eyes, you would kiss me, more then once, these amazing little kisses that made it hard to breathe… Sometimes you would just stare at me. Not in a creepy way, in a way that made me want to know what it was you were seeing.
You made me feel adored…
I have only ever felt adored once before you…
But what makes this so much more intense, is that I have adored you forever it seems. Since the day I saw you I have wanted something, anything, to do with you. I was amazed we became friends, and that all through out high school we stayed that way, and that you wanted me to be your walking partner at graduation, and even after graduation, we kept in constant contact, and every once in a while it would fade to weeks, even months at one time, but when I had lost all hope and given up you came right back, with a vengeance.
Now suddenly, and thankfully, 4 years later you come around and admit to me that you have felt the same way about me since high school. Imagine my shock?! My utter joy! I was so…euphoric! You rocked me into a state of pure bliss. The kind that every single female on this earth dreams about. You made me so happy. My heart was raging in my chest, as happy as my brain, for once.
And on the final day of you being here, where I am now, the goodbye was so quick, like ripping off a band-aid. It was an early morning flight. It shocked me stone cold, and I literally bawled all the way home from the airport, and all day. All night. The next day I did not cry a single tear, because you actually talked to me most of it, and the next and the next, so I was alright, I had faith left. You told me you loved me. That made me explode. That’s the only way I can put it. A million pieces of my soul went everywhere and back again because you said those words to me. I have always wanted to hear you say those to me, always wanted you to recognize me as someone who you could be with. Who could make you happy. I have gone to the store to get test strips for perfumes, so I can spray your scent on it and keep it in my purse. I have tucked it in my pillow, and its all I have of you now.
It sounds sick, but when you love someone this much, you do stupid things, and anything to make them closer. It’s not fair that you have pictures of me, and video of me laughing with you as we rode to the store. I have not one thing of yours. And it feels wrong to go onto the internet and steal one of you. You didn’t give it to me, and you didn’t take it for me. So it wasn’t meant to be mine.
And last night, a week from the day you left, I got a little tipsy, and a stupid girl that I no longer call a friend because of this, filled my head with stories about how you must be doing something with another girl, or whatever. It ate at me, because I have had that happen with every single boyfriend I have ever had. I can’t stand the thought that I am over here, honest and faithful even though we weren’t officially “together” not looking at a single male in a way that I would find them attractive, refusing any offers of dates from potential partners, I completely knocked the male population from my vision. You are honestly all that I see. All that I ever want to see. All that I want forever. I love you that much. I am so sure of that. But she got to me in a way that she knew, and everyone else knows, gets me. Trust.
And I did, honestly trust you, but with her filthy mouth he weaseled the insecurity out of me and I did the stupidest thing and texted you that I don’t trust you. That I can’t do this anymore…STUPID! And with a simple, “Well then we wont do this…” you gave up… You dropped it all. Like how much you can see and feel and know that I love you, does not matter. Like maybe you never really loved me at all. That maybe you fall in love easy, and that you love the idea of love itself.
It made me wonder instantly, if you did this to past girls. Then I push that thought away as hard as I can, because that is the old me thinking, and I want so badly for this to work that I don’t want to do that to you. I warned you though, so many times before I ever had the incling that you liked me, that I had trust issues. That if you wanted this, you had to prove it to me. I thought that when you love someone, as much as this, as much as you say you do, that you would FIGHT for it. Hard as you could. With every ounce of energy you had. Not just, ok, o-well.
That attitude scares me… It’s not fair to put a heart like mine through that…not one bit. If you’re going to break my heart, do it now, before the time comes around when I see you again. I already ache thinking about that next time. It drains me so much that I don’t eat, barely sleep, and only think of you. Even when I try not to, you’re all I think about.
I want this so badly, if there was a way to prove that to you I would! Doesn’t the fact that I made a measly $500 a month, and that I am more than happy, willing, to pay for my plane ticket, say anything?! I would pay for it everytime, if that was how I would get to see you.
I miss you so much and this sucks so much. I am willing to be that person for you, the one that waits for weeks to see you, or months at times, because I love you so much that it doesn’t matter, as long as you come back to me. This love for you has been so long, that if you seriously dont want this, you better tell me now, because this is going to hurt me the most. Of ANYTHING.
I wish I could prove that to you too, but I can’t, except to tell you that.
And I wish I could tell you all of this now, but that would be a long text message, since you do not want to talk to me on the phone at the moment. I know I messed up in that way, but what does it take to get you to see that it’s because I can’t help it, and I want to change that because you mean so much to me.
I should probably drink more water, so that when I cry I actually have tears coming out of my eyes…
Just please make up your mind. I’ve already made up mine.
I will always love you though…even if you don’t love me.