• I am fine

    by  • August 8, 2010 • Acceptance, Lost Love, To You • 0 Comments

    Dear Jenny,

    Even though you showed me this outlet I don’t think you’ll ever look here again, it’s for this reason I feel safe letting my inner thoughts out here. I don’t think I had a crush on you. Not then, I didn’t know you well enough but I knew enough to be interested. I didn’t visit your homeroom before the morning bell everyday, just when my interest was peaked. I still talked to you a bit and commented on your art even while I was dating Jen. However, I must admit, I forgot about you when I started dating Steph. Can you blame me? I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with her. She had everything in her I thought I’d never find in a girl.

    Now we’re in our twenties. I have a kid who I never see and an ex who’s engaged and I used to die at the thought. But then you showed up again. Half a decade later you started to show up at my work during my late hours, sometimes after you got out of work, sometimes you were just in the area. I have no idea why you did when you had Stephen at the time. I remembered how you felt about him. Now we never stop talking to each other and I’ve learned so much more about you. I can’t believe that all the things that interested me in school were still there and so much more! I saw everything I never thought I’d find in a girl and a lot of things I thought I would only ever find in myself.  I’ve told you things and let you in on interests I have that no one else knows. No one. I’m finally over my ex because of you and I thank you tremendously. I think you were the first person I ever had a crush on that knew about it. You are that missing piece to my puzzle of a heart. I thought, if only you would drop that piece into place. But you didn’t. I don’t think you ever will. I don’t know if it’s because I don’t attract you, physically or sexually, or if it’s because I have a kid.

    Despite all you’ve done for me, both motivating me into getting my life into order (I love my new apartment) and the emotional growth you’ve caused, I regrettably need to inform you that the swelling of my aching heart and the time going by with nothing happening to aid it has made that puzzle hole grow smaller and smaller. It’s gone now and I am fine. We’ll talk, drive, eat and generally hang out as we have been doing, and you will be blissfully unaware that I won’t feel a thing.


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