• Family stuff

    by  • August 8, 2010 • Divorce, Family Stuff, Fear, Grief, Parents • 0 Comments

    Dear Papa, dear Mama, dear Hannes, dear everybody, who doesn’t know why I act so strange sometimes,

    It’s only August, but with the weather these past days it feels like autumn is coming. Today I realised, why this makes me so sad. You see it was a beautiful warm summer, I liked; and then, all of a sudden, it stopped. Now it’s cold and clouded and I feel alone. You know the first autumn I remember feeling so alone all of a sudden, it was when you and dad seperated. For me this came totally out of the blue. Of course I am happy I didn’t have to listen to you fighting for months, but a hint that something is wrong, a chance to try to repair things, was that so impossible.

    What I actually wanted to say is I tend to get these feelings of beeing lost or alone and when I trace them back, they go back to your divorce most of the time. It’s been 13 years and I’m grown up now, it shouldn’t still hurt, but it does.I often feel misplaced when I’m with you and your partners…..

    But that’s far from the point I wanted to make, sorry.

    You see, everything seemed perfect to me that summer 13 years ago, and all of a sudden it changed. I have a hard time trusting things that make me feel good, because I’m afraid I’ll lose them again, like the warmth of the summer is lost to autumn. But there is a new summer every year, a circle that repeats itself, but is never the same. Maybe I’ll think of that the next time things seem to change to the worse. And maybe you all forgive me for acting strange sometimes. Maybe every time people act strange for no apparent reason, there is something buried in their past they haven’t dealt with.

    Thank you for listening/reading,
    your sometimes strange I.

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