• counter-intuitive regret

    by  • August 7, 2010 • Regret • 0 Comments

    Dear Universe.. for the sake of pure catharsis I want to make it known that I have managed to live my 31 years with very few regrets.. but there are a couple.. I regret not beating a girl as much as my youthful strength would’ve allowed me.. she confronted me, accused me of things I’d not done,.. I stood terrified, 13, and peace-loving.. she stood too close to me, flanked by several girls, and suddenly punched me squarely on the cheekbone.. my head yielded to her strike, then I looked directly at her and made the conscious decision to run rather than fight.. I was idealistic, I was a young sweet student of Zen.. and would not so easily be driven to violence.. so I ran.. When I called my mom to come and pick me up, she arrived, quickly announced her disbelief in my cowardice and declared me shameful.. You see…Dear Universe.. Mom had been a badass bar fighter.. a brawler in heels.. a “what the fuck are you looking at ?!” kind of girl.. she loved confrontation, whereas I thought of violence as a profound character defect and completely unacceptable way to resolve anything.. well.. big long story short.. Dear Universe.. though I can look back and be satisfied w/ my adherence to my convictions.. I reflect on that moment as one that I wish I could change.. it’s a moment that I wish I would’ve unleashed on this girl and her friends with all the fury a young me could tap.. i shouldve disfigured her.. i wish I had.. I would’ve been better off.. it was a defining moment in some ways.. and I failed.. I shouldve gone apeshit.. if ever I get to go back in time.. i shall and when i do.. the first thing I will do is punch that stupid bitch in the throat and watch her gasp and writhe..

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