• To my wife

    by  • August 5, 2010 • Frustration, Grief, Loneliness, Lost Love, Love - Pure and Simple, Marriage, Yearning for You • 7 Comments

    You make me feel so lonely. You don’t want to have sex anymore like we used to. You don’t touch me like we used to. I don’t feel loved anymore. I keep trying and trying with you, to spark something…anything… I’m tired of crying myself to sleep sometimes. A guy should not feel this way. You are all about the kids and that’s it. You told me you had nothing left to give to me, and now I can’t help but resent you for that. I am thinking of finding someone else who can make me feel wanted again… even a fake feeling of love is better than this. I’m not going to leave you and the kids; I still love you, and I love the kids even more.

    I get bad thoughts sometimes, about hurting myself. I want the pain to go away.. or want your attention should I survive. Don’t worry though.. I’m a smart guy and would never do that to you or the kids…but I think about it. Drinking seems to help.. haven’t you noticed I’ve been drinking more?

    Time to go to bed now I guess… alone…  I’m not alone yet I am alone. I will be crying here in just a few minutes in the dark… Hoping I’m passing out before it ends….

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    7 Responses to To my wife

    1. Gary
      August 6, 2010 at 11:28 pm

      I am there right now and I understand. Will it get better?


    2. maybe
      August 7, 2010 at 4:10 pm

      I’ve been told that it will, but i can’t see it.


    3. B
      October 21, 2011 at 1:21 am

      It hasn’t… and it’s been over a year now.


    4. Me
      October 21, 2011 at 1:47 am

      Sadly, this is the reality of many men and then the wives act all hurt and like victims when their men go and find someone who relieves their emotional and physical ache and needs; they jump and accuse everybody of being sexists when advised to be wives to their husbands; how sad. I am a woman by the way. Frankly, when all else fails I think men should go and find a mistress when faced with situations like this.


    5. Joy
      October 21, 2011 at 6:10 am

      I am in a situation like this but we are working it out. I am the woman but I was emotionally, verbally abused which made me pull back from him. Also, he treated me like I was a cheap whore and just stuck it in and did his thing not even thinking about my needs. My drive is low and I possibly have sexual trauma issues from my youth.
      I understand a wife being overwhelmed with the children, being tired, feeling like she’s serving everyone but nobody is serving her or making her feel special. I also know that Father’s feel the same in a different way.

      I don’t think women realize how important sex is to men. I’m finally starting to understand that they are probably more emotionally attached to us through sex than women are. Sex is not really a need for me but it is for my husband. I never made him go without for long but because of his high sex drive and my low sex drive, I became resentful and felt used because I didn’t realize it wasn’t just a physical need. It is an Emotional need. But, my emotional needs weren’t being filled either so it was a one way street.

      So, I do understand both views. Just make sure that you are giving your wife what she needs too. If she feels loved, admired, supported, happy etc. then she will respond to you physically in return. Maybe she feels overwhelmed with all she has to do. Women do not usually de-stress with sex. When they are stressed (if they have a low drive) it will feel like a task to them. Maybe she should investigate why she has no drive.

      Maybe there are other factors going on like childhood sexual abuse. These issues come up as you get older. Usually when your children hit the age you were when you were abused, you get flashbacks and retreat from sex.

      Anyway, I feel your pain and I can also feel hers. My husband wants sex at least every two days and I could go without sex for ever probably. So, in doing this every few days for him…I feel like that is a pretty good thing for me to do even when I feel with all my body that I can’t! I remind myself that he is my husband and I try to be totally present and be there for him even if it isn’t my need.

      Good luck.

      By the way, I had a short what was termed an “emotional affair” with a man because my husband wasn’t fulfilling my emotional needs. He has not to my knowledge had an affair because I was selflessly fulfilling his without having mine met.


    6. Anon
      October 21, 2011 at 9:54 am

      The coin has always too sides. I am a woman and was actually the one, that felt neglected in the very same way as you, except that I was the one raising our son, working and taking care of the house and all finances. Looking back I often wonder how I managed everything. While I agree that women need to feel the emotional closeness, I believe that physical closeness is just as important. Yes, maybe I am weird but I love to de-stress with sex like many men do, but an emotional base is also important. I found that honest communication is one of the predominant problems in any relationship. Especially when it comes to those deep down feelings. Instead expressing, we often hide for fear of exposing our weakness, for fear of being hurt – while all the while we wind up hurting ourselves and partners much more in the end. I had to find out through a failed marriage of fifteen years, that not everybody is able to communicate. It’s sad really but even though we do know our SO’s in and out, when it comes to feelings, a lot of misunderstandings happen because even in expressing, everybody has their own way of doing so. I am blunt that way and blur out “honey, something is wrong, we need to work on our sex life, how can I help? Just please tell me.” I actually did in multiple ways. I went as far as dancing to candlelight, in a sexy outfit on a coffee table for my ex. Hey, thought it would spice things up. I tried romance (shouldn’t the guy be doing that?), I tried it all and was honest about my needs to include him making me feel unattractive and unloved. I told him that I would find someone else if he doesn’t let me know what the problem is, if we can’t work it out. Counselling, sending him to the doc… He claimed he loved me deeply and he doesn’t know. Shrugs. I was never in pink elephants and white puffy clouds kind of love with him, it was a calm friendship kind of love to me that, before I signed the ‘contract’ was wonderful and had potential to live happily ever after. At the time I didn’t believe in this soulmate love, still not sure I do even things have changed A LOT – call me realist. To make a long story short, after about two years of marriage I gave up because I ran out of ideas on how to make him happy knowing he is not but never saying a word to help me out. I stuck it out until my son turned 19, which was the time I begun to think that there has got to be some life out there somewhere. Some love for me, maybe. Yes, I had affairs in between. My honesty is amazing, I came home one night and when he asked me where I had been I told him point blank “out with **** having wild sex”. You know what he did? He laughed. I guess he didn’t believe me. During our marriage, I always continued to let him know that we wouldn’t last if he wouldn’t let me in. It was like I had a room mate more then a husband. Roommate literally because other then adding to the income, he didn’t do ANYTHING but eat, drink, sleep, went golfing, out sometimes with his friends, every once in a while played with my son. Was a good thing he was military and gone for most of our marriage anyway or it would have ended much much sooner. Maybe it should of had but between not believing in love, and with each year less hope, with trying to give your child the best home seemingly possible… Some may understand what I am talking about.

      Okay okay, I am rambling on here but getting to the kicker now.

      When I saw my ex to sign the divorce papers, we had coffee afterwards and talked a little. I had asked him if he even knew why I wanted a divorce, his answer was no. He thought we would
      always be together and that he meant that he loved me. He knew we had problems but he thought we would work it out somehow when he retires.

      It was perfect prove to me of WHY I wanted the divorce. After so many years, after utter honesty and attempts from my side, please how could he not know?

      Relationships may be hard no matter what from time to time but it’s US who make it harder and communication is what it all falls back to. Realize though – IT TAKES TWO and sometimes we just have to make that jump no matter fear of hurt or not! If you don’t, you will be hurt anyway.

      (I felt a little bad that ex had no clue and that after the first two years? I continued trying but gave up more and more until there was nothing left but pity that he doesn’t get it) He really is a nice guy though, just not for me.


    7. B
      January 3, 2012 at 10:20 pm

      Things are worse. I’m now a cheater… more times than i care to admit to any living person. It does help get me by, but it creates other issues for me.
      I love my kids too much to leave her. I love seeing them every day, and when they run to hug me when i walk in the door every single day. When they are older, i think they will start to notice something isn’t right. I don’t know what to do… I want to be happy, and i want my kids to be happy. They are so young.



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