And it may not change mine.
I look back at myself during my teens and twenties with such shame. My aim wasn’t to be a better person, it was simply to ‘get away with it’. My focus was not to get caught in my lies and to skim the surfaces of my relationships so that nobody would look too closely and see the real me.
I hold a lot of disgust for myself during those times. I don’t want to give my behavior any excuses. It was inexcusable.
Since that time I have experienced my own share of people lying to my face as smoke blows from their mouth, breaking sacred promises made before God and family and treating me as less important than the dog they kick out of their way.
Those moments have given me a greater understanding of the hurt I’ve caused to you. I was thoughtless…and even when caught in my lies I couldn’t bear to tell you the truth. My mask was more important to uphold than your truth.
I hope I have grown into a better person. I know I have a lot of growing up to do still, which seems odd given my age.
Please know that I deeply apologize for all of my shit. I did learn. But it took a while.