Okay honestly I don’t know what I am supposed to do with the letter you sent me. I want to respond, but that would mean letting you back in a little and I am terrified to do that. What to do? What to do?
It is nice to know that I meant a lot to you and that you are still reaching out, but it really only stresses me out in the long run because I don’t know what to do with it. I don’t want to delete it, but I also don’t want to see it every time I go to my inbox and stress about replying.
I think back to what things were like before you hurt me and I find it hard to find good things because my view is skewed from the pain. I know that there were lots of good things and you were a good friend, but I just don’t know how you could hurt me like that and expect me to not take a step back to evaluate.
I hope that if we ever become friends again that it is an even stronger relationship. It seems that after a big hurt, there is room to deepen your ability to love after dealing with the pain.
I am still waiting for that feeling of being ready, but that may never come, so I am waiting for a moment of courage and pure faith that you will never do something like this again.
I ask myself all the time whether or not I would be devastated to lose this relationship forever and I don’t think that I can let you back in or completely remove you from my life until I can answer that question truthfully.