Yes, I know it’s routine… I understand that it is a procedure that is done every day. But it’s never been done to ME.
Makes me wonder what I should be doing to prepare. I mean, it’s a simple surgery…but everyone always says it’s anesthesia that is dangerous and that’s what I’m having.
Realistically, I could be hit and killed by a bus on the way to the hospital…but KNOWING that I am going under the knife makes me feel like I should be preparing something.
So, hear goes…to the people that know me that know I write on this site, please follow these simple instructions if I expire on the table:
1.) Ensure that I am wearing not only clean, but fashionable underwear. Please bring a long a spare…or better yet purchase a new, sexy pair at Victoria’s Secret, size XL. Please make it a thong. I won’t mind that the underwear is going up my ass.
2.) Please pluck any visible chin hairs, lip hairs and unseemly eyebrows. Yes, I am vain even in death.
3.) Make my mother happy by putting a little lipstick on me…but please, not 14k Orange. A simple rose would be fine.
4.) I wouldn’t mind a little powder if I look too shiny.
5.) Pose my body in a somewhat seductive manner prior to my husband seeing the body. I want him to see me at my best so he’ll know what he’ll be missing out on (please allow a little underwear peek-a-boo).
6.) Tell my children that I love them and I’ll be watching over them, especially when they first decide to have sex (unless they wait until they are over 25, at which time I’ll close my eyes and cover my ears).
7.) Send my husband and children to Disneyland so that you can ransack my house for any embarrassing dirty secrets that I might have left in the open. This includes destroying my 20 year old ripped and torn underpants, any unattractive photos or anything that would shame my children.
8.) I would like to have an open casket containing a mannequin with a picture of my face taped to the head. I would like the mannequin to be wearing pasties and clown shoes. I would also appreciate my signature perfume sprayed on said mannequin so that they still remember what I smelled like.
9.) I would appreciate a plethora of practical jokes made at my expense. If that means taking my well dressed corpse out for a night on the town, so be it. And invite your friends. The more the merrier.
10.) I would request that everyone “Photoshop” their memory of me so that I am thinner, taller, clearer skinned, fuller haired and tighter boobed. I would also like to have an infectious laugh and be the funniest person you’d ever met who was also both kind and sexy.
11.) I would like those who know me best to give a piece of my mind to those whom I have bitched about for years (they know who they are). These meetings would need to be face to face and brutally honest. Rip ’em to shreds for me…and of course, tell them I loved them.
12.) Give more and take less.
13.) Donate my workable organs and torch the rest.
14.) Plan a huge family trip to all of my favorite Hawaii haunts and scatter my ashes where appropriate. If that happens to be in one of my siblings hair or their glass of chardonnay I would give kudos from the afterlife.
15.) Be comfortable knowing that I lived life how I saw fit…and although I had many more things to do, I was happy doing the things that I did.
16.) Watch out for my husband and my children with a vengeance. Let them know you have their back.
17.) Know that I loved you.