You told me that it was the best game ever and that I was going to love it when actually it destroyed me on every level imaginable. I walk away from this feeling broken physically, emotionally, spiritually, and relationally. It feels like my heart has been ripped out and stabbed and stomped only repeatedly until there is nothing left but shreds barely touching. It is still beating but just enough to survive at the bare minimum. After my heart was ripped out, someone came along and started kicking me. Each time that I fight to get back up, they are there to make sure I stay down. I can’t sleep, I can’t focus, I don’t want to eat, and I basically have no energy or motivation to do anything. I have lost faith in everything. I have not felt hurt like this in a long time, feeling like you can’t cry hard enough because it hurts so much. It hurts so bad that crying doesn’t make me feel better because it never ends. I can’t sit through a class without wanting to burst out in tears. People don’t know what happened and expect me to be my normal self, but there is no way. I am broken. This is the first time where I have actually been honest enough to tell people the truth and say that I am not okay for once. I am tired of going through life saying that I am fine when I am not. My life sucks right now and I am going to embrace that feeling until it is resolved. I just don’t understand how two people who have experienced the same pain would ever do it to someone else. I would never wish this pain and suffering on another person. I would never intentionally plan to hurt someone like that! It just makes it so much worse knowing that they know how it feels and still did it to me.
Then I find out that three of my supposed friends knew about it all along. She knew and told him not to do it to her which proves to me that she knew that it would hurt. In other words, if she knew it was going to hurt, why didn’t she stand up and protect me from getting hurt? To top it off, when I turned to the people I trust most in that room for guidance and support I come to find out that they knew all along too and were actually involved in the planning of the game and the choice of picking me to be volunteered. Now it is not random, it is even more premeditated. I feel so betrayed by these people who I have shared life with and trusted my life with. They are supposed to be the ones protecting me from harm, not putting me in harm’s way. I can’t even turn to the people that I want to for support because they are the ones that hurt me.
I am continuing to be victimized in this situation. There is the actual torture itself, then my own guilt of being upset, then the effects that it has on me, then the loss of trust and friendships, then the feeling of complete and utter betrayal. I am the one left feeling uncomfortable every time that I walk into that room. I am the one that is left to recover from this. I am the one left feeling like there is no one to trust. I am the one left broken and hurting. I am the one left feeling like I can’t be a good leader feeling like this. They took away my ability to function, let alone be the best leader that I can be. I was not present that weekend because of that minute of terror. I was not able to fully invest into my girls because of that minute. They took away my ability to grow those deep relationships with those kids at the one opportunity in the year. I feel like I am watching my life crumble before my eyes and am just standing on the outside looking in.
I changed my college plans around for this church. I wanted to get a fresh start out of state, but I couldn’t bear the thought of leaving and being more than a drive away from my favorite people. I applied to my school not because I have always wanted to go there but because it was the most prestigious place close to home. Now I sit here wondering if that was the wrong decision but I can’t get in anywhere of the same level because applications have already been due for over a month. Rather than not being able to imagine going away from here all I can think about is anything to get me away from this dreadful place. The thought to leave never would have crossed my mind or been given a chance to exist if something this big hadn’t happened, so I guess God is trying to be very clear that this is not the right place for me.