• July

    by  • May 5, 2010 • Frustration, Grief, Love - Pure and Simple • 0 Comments

    See, this is torture…
    Simple and at it’s purest.
    Why do you keep on keepin on?
    Why do you seem to know EXACTLY when I have given in and let go of
    you?
    You’re right there, back again, in a text, a phone call, an e-mail…just a few simple words…

    Do you do it on purpose? Do you do it to more then one girl? I have this immense doubt in my whole being, that I am the only one you do this too.

    I want to bet my life on it. I bet you do it to your most recent ex. Certainly to the other girls you swoon with your arrogant charm.  It frustrates me a bit, to know that you know exactly what you are doing, and do it anyway. Does an innocent heart just call to you? Is mine screaming at you? Seriously…it’s not a rhetorical question.

    I want to find a brick and bash my head with it over and over, for just soaking it all in from you. You’re like this leech, sucking all my pure affection for you, to feed your needy ego. Why is it that I am not important? You make me feel that way somehow, when we talk. You seem like you gasp in horror when I so plainly state that I am not something of value to you. Like I am indescribably wrong in my thoughts of how you perceive me.

    But in my gut, I know I am probably dead on. I do nothing more for you then boost your ego. It feels like you gather things from me, then from someone else, and another person, until you have your little basketful of love. Till you can pick out a feeling from that basket and just munch away till it satisfies you. I hate that. That I think like this…but I don’t feel wrong…that’s what’s so odd. You haven’t really done anything to make me feel like I am wrong. Not that it pushes me from you-yet another odd thing. Why do we gravitate to things that always hurt us in the end?

    I have so many questions that never get answered…It’s quite
    exhausting…liking you, no, loving you, is exhausting…mostly because it feels like I’m doing it so selflessly that its just a…I don’t even know how to put it really…it has no value. You don’t know that I love you, and thank god for that because that would probably get your jollies off even more…

    It makes me want to cry, realizing that it’s all just fun and games for you…and I still hold this amazingly small shred of hope that in the summer when I see you, that you will look at me, really look at me, because we haven’t seen each other in person for quite some time, and fall into what I am in…
    I am in this ocean of you…

    And we have never touched, kissed, cuddled, hugged, hung out alone…nothing to have made it so much of what it is. Isn’t that amazing?

    That a heart can love something, without ever having had it…
    I am honestly baffled…
    Just…in awe, at my heart…

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