• Dread

    by  • April 20, 2010 • Job • 1 Comment

    I’m trying to grab some sort of motivation to be a better person and get up earlier, shower earlier, get to work earlier so that I can be home earlier.  All of these things would benefit me.  I would feel better about myself if I could do this.  Yet the thought of being at work at all makes me push everything else out until the very last minute.  Wait, not the very last minute…it would be the very NEXT minute of the last minute.  I keep getting later and later and it’s all based on dread.

    I dread seeing you.  I dread talking to you.  I dread the next inevitable blow out.  I dread the  also inevitable hand holding session.  I dread the drama.  I dread the boredom.

    As much as I dread all of this I can’t find myway out of it.  I’m emotionally chained.  I’m guilt-ridden that I could consider leaving you.

    I’m not following my dreams.  I don’t know if it is out of fear or some sort of weird devotion to you…but I am not being the person I want to become.

    When will I take that step?  How will I find the courage.  Faced every day with the same dread I slowly brush my hair…put my clothes on…gather my stuff and go to that place so that I can be your “rock”.

    I’m tired of being your rock.  YOU need to be your rock for a change.

    I wonder some day if I’ll just start screaming at you at the top of my lungs.  I wonder if I’ll scream so loud that my throat will burn.  I have a lot of things to say.  I have a lot of secrets.  I have a lot of bitterness and regret and anger and frustration that I’ve bottled up inside while patting you on the back to make you feel better.

    I’m dreading today…but I better go shower.

    One Response to Dread

    1. Shirley
      April 21, 2010 at 8:33 pm

      I feel your pain, literally. And it hurts to know that another human being is in a constant state of torture in order to keep the roof over their head. I am very sorry for your situation and can only say that although I am not in the same place as you, I think I know what it might feel like. So maybe if you tell yourself that you CAN get out and then put a date on it, that will help. You can count down from 365 days or whatever time period works for you. But give yourself an out, YOU deserve it!!!

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