• Safe in the Arms of Love

    by  • April 8, 2010 • Friends, Gratitude, Love - Pure and Simple • 0 Comments

    It is hard to picture how things will be once you are gone, but I know in my heart that everything will turn out alright and I will see some good come from this situation. I know you told me to acknowledge the bad things, but I honestly do not have any to voice. I truly believe that you gave me everything you had each time we saw each other every week. You were just real and straight up with me. You didn’t try to pretend like you had life figured out, but rather provided me with not only a listening ear, but also accountability. So many times, you gave me another way of looking at the situations in my life without making me feel like I was stupid for not thinking about them that way myself. Although it was a place to escape from the pressures of life, it was also a place where I could be myself, whatever that was at that moment, a place where I could completely let my guard down and be more vulnerable than ever before. To be honest, it was terrifying when you asked me for that much at first, but now I have experienced why you asked that of me. Before meeting you, I was closed off emotionally to the rest of the world. I thought I knew how to have a healthy relationship, but you showed me that I only knew how to do half of what it takes. I knew how to listen, give, and serve, but not share. I was holding myself back from growing completely intimate with people because they would let me in, but I would not let them in back. In other words, I have you to thank for guiding me deeper into the relationships that I thought were already intimate. It is interesting how I do not take criticism as well as I would like to, but for some reason I took yours and tried it out. I think it is because I trusted you with all that I am and trusted that you would lead me down the right path.

    I just want you to know how thankful I am that you were put in my life. This is not the end of our relationship, but a major change in the relationship which would usually be quite frightening to me. However, this time I know that it will be different than the other times. For one, we have been talking about it for awhile now and I have had time to prepare in some sense. Also, you have been open about what the future of the relationship will be, saying what you want and letting me say what I want. This time, you are not going to walk away and leave me feeling that I am somehow responsible for your departure. You are the first person in my life that I have felt completely comfortable around and not felt judged in any way. I could tell you anything and I know you would respond appropriately. I never felt compelled to put an act on around you because of that trust. You are the first person that I truly believed cared about me for who I really am, my strengths and weaknesses. I have never experienced feeling wholly understood by someone until now. I knew that I could say anything and you would understand or make an effort to try and understand as best as you could.

    You made me believe in myself, my abilities, and my personal growth. I could not see those things until you continually reinforced them with your “gifts” to me. I know in the beginning I was quick to play them off and not accept them. Now that I have begun accepting them by letting your words really sink in, I have come to so many revelations about my life.

    There are several things that I will never forget about our time together. First, I will not forget the times that we stayed way past the hour until the late hours of the night. Second, I will not forget how you fought for me with the director. That revealed to me how much you cared about me and that I mattered to you. Third, I will never forget the time that I have never felt so close to someone before. This was the moment when you gave me the most penetrating stare I have ever experienced. I knew that it was a stare of love and not something to be feared. That was the moment that I internalized the full extent of how much you care about me. You just kept repeating that you do care and that I am just not another person to you. Fourth, I will never forget the many times that I cried in front of you. There was no one else that had seen me cry more than once if at all besides my mom and sister. I learned to not be embarrassed by expressing my emotions that are justified. I held myself to inhuman standards that only led to disappointment and shame. It is so freeing to be comfortable crying in front of other people and not have to be so tough all the time.

    I have prayed many times for God to comfort my mind, heart, and soul. I have come to realize that He has been doing that all this time through you. I know you are human and not perfect, but you have showed me a good picture of what God’s love is. I have learned so much from you and know what I should expect from my other relationships.  Even though we are over a decade different in age, it does not seem to matter. You are honestly a person that I would love to hang out with in real life. Selfishly, I wish that you were not leaving.

    I wish you the best of luck in this next chapter of your life. I hope that it brings you joy and new experiences. I know that you will be the best anyone could ever get the chance to have and I to be honest I am jealous of whoever they are because I know you will tough their life like you have mine. This past year and a half would have been drastically different if it were not for you, so thank you for supporting me through all of this and making things significantly better. I look forward to seeing watch our relationship change over time.

    Best Wishes,

    Martina

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