I’ve wanted to write this letter for a long time now, but it’s too late to put it in your casket. For a long time now I’ve wondered if things could have been different… if I was there.
For years, I saw you struggle to figure out who you were, what you wanted, and what you needed. A Marriage, space from your family, divorce, military, various relationships. The ups and downs were sometimes scary. How I didn’t see the bigger picture earlier on, was probably because I wasn’t there. All the times I thought to myself… “she’s blowing the story up, she really didn’t do these things”. Each relationship was more manic. Each phone call, I could hear in your voice that I was loosing you. You told me so often, in emails, letters, that I kept you going. You didn’t know what you’d do without me, and just hearing my voice always made you feel better. Life at the time didn’t allow me to purchase plane tickets, so I had to rely on the phone.
When you told me what he did to you, I did believe you. I will say though, that in my heart I kept telling myself, I know there is more to this story. With more calls I got more worried. I couldn’t find the you I know in your voice anymore. You told me you needed me to come there. You really needed me. And it’s not that I didn’t want to come,
I simply couldn’t.
I always wonder, if I was there, if I did come, would we have gone out and had a great time, laughed our asses off like we always do, talked about all our rediculous ways, and just shared the love we had as friends? If I was there, could I have talked some sense into you and made you see that things weren’t what you were making them out to be? If I was there, maybe you wouldn’t have found that gun. If I was there, you wouldn’t have been alone. You wouldn’t have taken the time to write that 6 page letter. If I was there, you wouldn’t have time to plan this out the way you did. If I was there, you wouldn’t have shot yourself in the heart.
I don’t ask myself this question because I feel responsible, I simply wonder if it would be different if I was there. I wonder, if you would still be here.