I hate this God forsaken little town. I hate it so much, and mostly, because it led me to you. I would have no clue of you, who you are, that you exsist, if I hadn’t have moved here. It was not by choice, only being 14 at the time.
But I also thank this stupid town. It’s sick obsessive problem with drama and gossip. It’s way of making everything public. I’ve only been lucky, because of how careful I am, I guess…
I have never told anyone about just how much I care about you. One person knows that I did like you, but she does not know that I still like you, and that I like you much more. Every year that passes, it builds. And I can’t help it. I wish it would stop. Sometimes I go about my days and think, “Ok, I can do this. Erase him. He does not want you. If he did he would make it clear somehow.” And you haven’t.
What kills me is that sometimes when we talk, either by phone, e-mail or messaging, we seem to be a good fit. Everyone has thier quirks that a pertner could possibly get annoyed with, but thats life, and if you care, you deal with it, or get over them. But even though I recognize your’s, it does not in the least, scare me of you. It doesn’t make me want to get away. It makes me think about what is so wrong with me? You know I could possibly make you happy. I think so anyway?
We both understand how we dont like clingy people, we can be just fine without constant contact. We love the idea that we have someone, and even though we cant see them or touch them, we are fine, because we know that soon enough, we can. We enjoy alot of the same things, give or take. And above all of that, I have accpeted you. Can’t you see that? Do you not see that no matter how mean you are to me at times because of something else, or maybe even my smart mouth, that I do not give up on you? I dont push. I never have. I have never asked you to be with me. I have never even asked you if the thought crossed your mind. I cant. I’m so afraid of the answer, because it could quiet possibly be No. And yes it would hurt, but then atleast I would know. If I knew for sure that there was no possibility with you, then I would never ever try to make that happen. I would stay just your friend. Or if it were easier for the both of us, I would just go away.
I need you to tell me that. I have dreams about you. Your voice, your face, your smile…I hate being so…I cant even say it. Not yet. But there is no denying it either. I love you. How much I dont know. When it started, I cant say. I want to make it go away, I do. Because why love someone who does not care about you? I mean, I will always care about you, and possibly still even love you. You confuse me…It seems that sometimes, you feel the same way about me. Other times you make me feel so stupid for thinking so. And when you make those silly, yet so true remarks about me loving you, about me caring about you, about me not being able to except the fact that you belong to someone else (when you are with someone) I have to pretend that its all just a game we are playing, and silly little banter that goes back and forth between us. I cant slip up with you. I dont know why.
I have expressed that I would go to you. When you once asked me to come to see you, for you to take care of me, I told you that I would have. In a heart beat. But none of my bold moves (when i do them) make any difference. That is why I dont know what to do.
Sometimes I feel like the weeks just go by in a haze…I daydream about the time we might see each other in person again, since I have not seen you since before you joined the Air Force.
I still rememeber that day, when you broke up with your ex, and I came by because my car had broken down blocks from your appartment. I remember wanting so badly to kiss you. To even be able to touch you. For all the years we have known each other, the only time we have ever come into physical contact, was when I had to loop my arm around yours while we walked together at graduation. You picked all the thorns off of my rose, so I wouldnt prick my fingers. You probably did it out of bordem, who knows. I may have gone into deep with all the sweet gestures and sayings from you. But I am only human, and one that adores you.
What hurts me the most, almost breaks my heart even, is that I know I am good enough. I am not model material, I do not have the slightest near perfect body, or personality. But I have a wonderful heart, and you should know that. I know I am not the beautiful thing you crave so much, along with every other man. I know all that I am not. Never will be. But even though you do not see me that way, my eyes see you as something beautiful. I love your hands. Your brown eyes. I love the way you smile, and laugh. I love your sense of humor. And I love that you want to be someone.
I am no one, and I know that. But I am someone who wants you. If I could at least get one day with you. I promise I will never ever make a move. I cant, I am too shy. Remember when we said we would see each other on your most recent leave? We never did. But I was so nervous. How do you sit by someone who makes your heart race like that? How do you listen to them rattle on about the girl they are with and how awesome she is? How do you have that person so close, and you cant do a thing about it. Except smile. And I would have. I would have loved it just to see you. If thats all I can get I will take it. I cant ask for more really. I know that.
But I think I do love you…and I hate myself for wasting my heart on it, beacause I will never have you. And that hurts…
I love you Sanders, there I said it…