I had been to a meeting the day I got your text. It was a day off, and it was rich, for I was crazy in love. I had left my cell at home, and thus been away from it and you for four whole hours. I text’ed you to say I was home, and my cellphone blew up. Three straight messages to say, your daughter’s relationship had blown up and you thought about US…Your daughter is heartbroken and you immediately zero in on US to say that you just were “not feeling this relationship.”
I was stunned.
It made no sense.
You must be insane.
My heart sank. I called my sponsor, and without hesitation he said, OK, say, “Let’s be friends.”
He always gives me good advice.
But I didn’t listen. I let you back in.
It took me a long time to learn that you are such a coward. That you are more fearful and weak than I ever could have imagined.
That in your insecurity you must push, pull and use people – to reassure yourself for that moment, even if it kills the possibility of any moments after.
You lack emotional intelligence. That is why you live in a rickety trailer and can’t pay your bills. You drank up your credit, your opportunity for some modest amount of security. But don’t blame the disease for that, blame yourself.
You are at fault for not believing in you. Blame yourself for letting your life go up like one of those fast-burning cigarettes that you secretly love so much. This is who you ARE. What do you want? Well, you should have it that very MOMENT. Forget your responsibilities. You need a night off? Let the drug-addict, deadbeat dad take your child away, even if he IS high. You DESERVE a break, yes you do!
Somehow you convince yourself of such things.
Oh, and the time you invited your ex BF to attend a family event, you might have warned me that he was coming, but no, you announced his entry without so much as a consideration for me. I wish then that I did not love you, that I had a gigantic set of balls and just said you can have him you stupid, trailer park idiot.
You know, I really did not care that you are uneducated. I am used to people who have no education.
It is the lack of a fucking brain that gets me. You have lived 42 years and it is OK to bring your freaking ex BF up in my face?
And such a double standard for yourself. God help me if I even MENTIONED one of my ex’s. God help me if I looked in the wrong direction at a wedding or asked about a nurse who had just entered the restaurant. You fussed about my phone manners when I put you on hold to hear dire information from my sister regarding my daughter.
And when I created Face book and My Space pages for that class, you snapped…then you came crawling back, months later.
Back then I was in love, back then I was willing to believe in you, and I was willing to believe in us. I wanted to get in that nice house we saw. I wanted it almost as much as you. I was ready to commit to you, I was willing to believe you were just an unbalanced recovering alcoholic, that you would recover. I was willing to believe you were nice, like the rest of your family. I just had to give you time to get your shit together. Well, I don’t believe that now.
Now I believe you simply use people. You work situations to get what you want. You play the poor single mom. You play the coy flirt. You play. You take, and you give nothing back.
You are an empty promise.
You have no friends, only those who can help you get your needs and wants filled. That is why you claim you are so high on family. They work as a decent unit to help each other regardless and since you always need help, they are there for you, and all you do in return is cut their hair. And if you are so high on family, why weren’t you into MY family? I’ll tell you why, because my family wouldn’t come running every time you stubbed your toe.
My mistake was I expected you to change, and you did. Your personality is multi-dimensional, however, it lacks much. Are you even capable of love? You see people for what they can give you.
I am mad at myself for wanting you, for being fooled into loving you, for trying my best to be the man for you, especially since you had no intention of letting me be that man.
You popped off about the FB/MS pages and for three months I suffered, but you said, oh you were so glad we were apart because YOU had grown SO much! Unfortunately, you have not grown enough to consider others.
Six months later, you still did not understand why I did not call YOU first. You are comic in your stupidity. You never understood how I hurt during that time or during our first break up via text. You did not understand even after I told you this, after your child told you this.
And this latest breakup was laughable. Your Christmas present? It was a BAD deal you idiot, and one you could not swing. And you threw a tantrum? You destroyed our relationship. You said things you can never take back. And then you tried to apologize, get this, via text. I am laughing, yes, I am laughing at that.
You, the one who so fears being laughed at, who takes such pains to look good, it is so fitting that the real you shines through and it is someone that I cannot love, cannot respect and who strikes me as so idiotic it is funny. I hope you grow up, but more importantly, I hope I get over you damn quick. I deserve something better.