So…I want to thank you for listening to all that blather about chin hairs and the lot. I know sometimes it must get overwhelming hearing all of our simple complaints. And I wouldn’t even be bothering you if it weren’t, well, a sensitive subject. I mean, you’re God: you shake the earth, and cause the moon to pull, you allow the sun to shine and we are so grateful for that.
So…with all that you do…I was wondering if you could somehow “accidentally” get rid of the person who came up with the idea of vajazzling. I’m sure it wasn’t anybody on your team that thought up the brilliant idea of hot gluing crystals to a woman’s vagina…especially if cleanliness is next to Godliness. I mean, nobody is washing their lady parts with Elmer’s Glue, right? Therefore I can only assume that the “other” team had something to do with this notion.
God, us girls down here already have a lot of peer pressure on our vaginas. It used to be OK to go au naturel and look like the Bushman of the Kalahari. Then trimming became the norm, followed by a classy landing strip and lastly, the Hitler. Then someone (again, I can only think it would be one of Satan’s followers) decided to shave the whole thing off.
Even THAT wasn’t good enough – because with shaving comes stubble. So like a candle in the wind, they started hot waxing our hoo hahs. God, I’m sure that if it was your intent for our vaginas to be hair free, well, you just would have MADE THEM hair free. Again, you’re God. That’s what you do — all that God stuff.
It’s frustrating enough that us ladies are expected to walk up to a stranger, drop our panties, place our delicate lady ankles up by our ears and allow a mustachioed foreigner to wax the hoo hah. Oh, and God, just for definition, please note that in this instance the hoo hah is the top, sides and BACK of the vagina (that’s my way of saying anus).
I can handle the pain. I can handle the humiliation. I can’t handle the in-grown hairs and the grow-out. I’m pretty for a day or two, maybe three…and then I look like a stunt double in The Hurt Locker.
So, God, you’ve probably already seen this in your crystal God ball…but I don’t do the waxing…and I can’t do the shaving. Occasionally I will commit to a very serious trimming which would make our military proud. I really thought it was “ok”, ya know?
And now out pop the Vaginal Bedazzler Technicians. The anti-Christs lay in wait with their Swarovski crystals and their flower patterns. And my vagina hides in fear and shame, not able to go to the sparkle party.
So, I’m not sure if you can just give the whole world a roofie and have us forget this whole mess – that would be MY preference. But, if that is unethical, then might I suggest evening the playing field with the fellas? You could offer up something that would make the modern day man feel strong and business-like – How about a neck tie for their penis? We could have them match their REAL tie! Or a smart little pinkie ring to fit around their shaft? We could call it a Dinky Ring. What about an Italian leather bag to comfortably hold both their testicles and a coin purse. I’m sure Calvin Klein would show interest in marketing THAT product.
So, that’s all. Thanks for your time again, God. You’re always such a great listener.