It’s like you’re this..I don’t know, rhythm that doesn’t stop pulsing
through my every day, not for almost ten months. I think of you as
this idyllic being, this person removed from my life who knows more
about me than anyone else. You’ve seen me at my worst, and I can’t say
that you’ve ever or will ever see me at my best. And maybe that’s why
I’m so attached to you, maybe that’s why I’m not letting go.
When I think back on our time together, since we’ve met until now when
we barely talk and I never know if I’ll hear from you again, it’s so
fucked up. I can’t believe that we still talk, we still interact after
all of the shit we put each other through. But the thing is that we
were each other’s onlys in one of the hardest seasons of both of our
lives, and even though we probably made it a lot harder for one
another, the thing is we made it.
I got your email today. I couldn’t stop smiling when I got it and then
I thought: am I really ready for this? I’ve spent the last two months
since I’ve heard from you going over and over in my head why I insist
on keeping you in my life, why I think about you so often and think of
you so highly.
You helped me finally break down in front of someone, you helped me
figure things out, you helped me to get angry at someone other than
myself, to see that other people have these problems, too, to explore
a new place and see the best parts of myself, even when I couldn’t
ever show them to you.
And the thing is that I love you, and I’ve told you this, maybe twice,
in passing, but I do. I just do. And I don’t know what that means or
why it is or any of that. But I just wanted to tell you that. And if
you ever read this, I’ll still love you. And I’ll keep loving you
whether or not I’m ready for this.