To my dear friend,
It’s been a year and half since you died, and I haven’t stopped thinking about you. Nor, have I stopped feeling guilty.
You and I had an interesting relationship. We were teammates, friends, friends fighting over a boy, and eventually drifted apart the month or two before you passed. You were intimidating, confident, tall and beautiful and stole the heart of my ex only months after we had broken up. Even though I ended up going to prom with him, I was always scared of your relationship. Because of him, we hated each other.
But, we were also friends because you saved me and brought me back to life in the moments where I felt like dying. You showed me that there was a life out of high school that didn’t involve rules or perfection. You helped me realize I was human. And that being human involved having faults, even those like OCD or anxiety. Even more importantly, you cared about me and let me be human. You gave me an example in which to inspire to….I wanted to be confident, blunt and daring just like you. Your world terrified me, but also left me in awe and craving for more.
But then, I let us drift apart after graduation and didn’t keep in touch due to your impending relationship or fling with my ex. While he and I never announced it, we were still somewhat together and it was so hard for me to try and be ok with what was going on. I stood you up at your graduation party, and I’m sorry. I didn’t keep in touch and left you to dry in the wind.
Before going to college, I tried to make amends. I still remember writing on your wall the day before my birthday saying we should hang out, and the snide comment you wrote back. On some levels I really did deserve that. But, I didn’t get to apologize, make it up to you or tell you how I really felt because the day after I turned 19 you had died.
I’ve never told anyone and have really dealt with my feelings since then until now. I want to visit your grave, but I’ve always been to ashamed to.
So my friend, as much as we loved and hated each other, I love and miss you very much. Your love for the band OneRepublic still lives on in me, and I’m often reminded of you and the illicit times we times spent in my car listening to them. Your love and zest for life lives on in me, your confidence and the fact that you were adored by everyone still lives on in my mind. I strive to be like you, to be the human you told me I could be. Because of you, I realized that life is worth living.
I think about you a lot, especially now. I hope that somewhere in the cosmos you can see my confession and know that your legacy lives on. I hope that you know that I’m so, so sorry for everything. I hope that one day, you’ll forgive me.
I wish I could get one last bear hug from you.
Love you girl,
your friend on earth.