• Are you there, God? It’s me, Margaret.

    by  • March 3, 2010 • God • 0 Comments

    It’s been a while since I chatted with you. I think the last time was right around my first menstrual cycle. Really, thank you for all the help on that. I appreciate it.

    So, it’s been quite a few years, obviously…but I kind of feel that you could have given me just a bit more preparation on this whole woman thing. I mean, I get the periods…and the swollen boobs, and the moodiness…the occasional break-outs. I get it, I do.

    However, and this is a big HOWEVER, God, what is with the chin hair? Women have very soft skin because we’re the fairer species. The fairer species isn’t so fair when she’s sporting a beard And how could you even consider putting a long dark hair on a woman’s breast? That last one just kind of seems mean, like payback for something. And you reward us for carrying a child for nine grueling marathon months by taking away the ability to hold our own pee. Each cough, each laugh we are reminded that we should be wearing our OWN diaper. I won’t gripe about the hemorrhoids since you were also kind enough to share that lovely little gift with our male counterparts.

    Seriously, though, God…it would have been nice to have gotten a manual on this other stuff. Or at least a little pamphlet showing an ink drawing of a bearded lady with chest hair wetting her pants with the text “This will be you in 15 years.” A little warning could have helped.

    Please don’t take this as a criticism at all, God. I think you did really well with kittens and bunnies and sunsets. That’s grade A stuff. I was just hoping for a few less things to pluck in my advancing years…especially now that the vision is going.

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