Letters I'll Never Send

Death keeps waltzing to my door.

Love, Patience and Rationality are at the windowsill

Chittering as birds

But Death is noisy and boisterous tonight.

I know the three clipped mockingbirds

Are beloved and care

But they also teeter on edges of anger and

Bitterness and resentment that rings clear.

Death has magnificent sashays.

You can see him strut the promenade of my heart

With his silky feet and sultry voice.

I worry about him coming tomorrow

Unexpectedly.

I wish he would leave me to enjoy the

Rain on the windowpane.

The town crier kept saying it was

An irrelevant, microscopic thunderstorm.

I wonder then why does it feel so heavy?

Why does it feel so fatal?

Where are the ones who love me?

Death is such a tease.

Rationality always tries to tap on the window and say

Let Love and Patience at least come in.

After all, they are cold

From my addiction to inhumanity.

They want to help in the moments where

I can’t let myself win.

I let them in to dry their wet socks,

But I tell them they cannot stay.

I don’t understand why this hurts me beyond schedule. I guess I didn’t know I loved you so much. I thought I had won the game. And maybe I thought we had a choice. We don’t. We never had. Horrible to think that you’re with someone I consider inferior, horrible that you’re going to want to stay friends, lovers and pretend. I win this game because I don’t want to play anymore but it still hurts.

I can’t do this anymore.

Do you love me or not?
You told me once before…
But I forgot.
So tell me now, and tell me true…
So I can tell you, I love you too.
Of all the people I’ve ever met,
You’re the one I can’t forget.
I’d give me angels back their wings,
And risk the loss of everything.
Just to prove my love for you…
I’d go to hell to be with you

I was going through saved photos from the past. They were of you. I keep the 3 pictures of you in a hidden file so they don’t pop up everytime I want to view or post a photo. I made it where I have to deliberately take action to view the pics of you. I know you have no clue I even have the pictures of you. My favorite picture is one of you looking out the car window at dusk. I remember the exact moment it was taken. The way the curls lay upon your warm enticing neck. You would throw y
Damn it I had better stop there.
Part 1

One day you’ll realize how much you actually loved me. One day you’ll realize the error of your ways. I gave you all of me but that still wasn’t enough. When you’ve gone off and explored all that you’ve wanted you’ll realize that you peaked. But I guess you’ve always loved the journey and challenge rather than settling and taking time to appreciate the top. That’s what happens when you love the mountains more.

My lady friend next door let’s me borrow her car for an outing to the green store and Cat food pickup.
Good News first, a lovely older woman at checkout named Jackie compliments a tattoo of a butterfly I had given myself the day before above my knee and tells me it looks quite professional. She takes a moment to tell me about her own children’s love of the tattooed arts, and I thank her for her encouragement. I receive similar positive inquiry at the next store.

The bad news, I locked myself out of the house again. I drop off my neighbors keys and a joint with a soda I had picked up for her before I message my husband. Thankfully he’d just got on lunch and obliged to make the trip back home to help me out. He says he was initially mad but thought about his own recent transgressions and knew his was worse overall. I tell him it’s evensies for me as he saves my ass once again. I know he’s been feeling guilty about the car accident and the guilt toward the kid along with the fiscal burden that reduces the probability of us going to Mexico in the spring significantly.
Silver lining, his consultation with the lawyer confirms that we don’t need to look into hiring an attorney until after the court date .He returns to work and I play catch up for awhile.

I’m so sick of this. I’m sick of none of you responding to a single thing I say and then apologizing so casually. I really, honest-to-god don’t believe you want me around anymore and it hurts so badly because yes I found another group while you are all gone but they are not the same. I want you four, I NEED you four and you have not been there to pick up the phone for so long. Please, just look me in the eyes and tell me you’ll still have me. Anything to make me believe I’m still welcome here. I don’t want you to say how much you miss me just because I’m crying over you. I want it to be genuine. Why is a little effort so much to ask? I’m starting to hate our dynamic, but I still need you. And the kicker is that if I said anything, all I would get back would be excuses and empty assurances. I wish I had the strength to leave you all before you leave me because I can see it coming no matter how much you try to convince me it isn’t.

I think that no matter what, you’ll always have a hold on me.

I will always remember this day. Still in shock. I knew that we couldn’t do this forever but… Sometimes I think this life is punishment for a life I had before and didn’t appreciate enough. I met beautiful souls. I fell in love with a few. Two of them were like soulmates. But none of them stayed. I’m done with soulmates, I’m done with romance.